What point is there to waking up tomorrow? So I can push myself to get to work, to do my stupid pointless job for 8 hours, then go home to... Absolutely nothing. I have no boyfriend/girlfriend there to greet me, not kids to welcome me, not even a housemate to holla at me any more. Just 3 cats who would be just as well off without me, 2 rats who don't really care about me, and a giant mess that is the sum of my life.
I haven't achieved anything, in 30 years I've only gotten about half as good at art as I wanted to be... Even less if I'm completely honest with myself. I -wanted- to draw for Disney, back when they were doing cell animation. Disney would -not- hire me based on my current portfolio. Hell, I can't even get -regular- people to hire me or buy my shit. That's how bad it is.
The one person I -want- to be with, for the rest of eternity, is trapped half a world away. And the one person I -could- have spend this life with turned out to be a major jerk-face. And for the first time in my life, I honestly can't see anyone filling that gap. I can't even fantasize about it anymore either. I can play pretend and imagine it, because I know the truth is that there is no one.
Someone once told me that I can't have a relationship with anyone because I'm always going to compare them to Her. That's partially true, but I've proved to myself that even if I -do-, I can still take someone as they are, and love them for who they are.
My problem is that I don't believe I'm worthy enough for anyone else to love me just how I am. I am a miserable failure. I have no future. Not in this world anyway. But I'm stuck here, aren't I. Can't go back, can't move forward, permanent limbo far as the eye can see.
I thought that I would be a Mother by the time I was 25. At least one kid, a husband who works, juggling my time between them, staying home looking after the kid and making art simply to pass the time. By 30, my current age, I should have been dropping them off at school, before returning home to spend the hours building websites for WDi as well as making random art. By 40... Geez, I can't even contemplate 40 right now. I don't honestly think I'm going to make it that far.
I don't think I -want- too. I can't even really consider tomorrow in my current frame of mind. It just hurts to much. To know that for the very first time in my life I close my eyes and I see -no- future for myself at -all-.
The logical part of myself tries to tell me I never could and that I just have to keep holding on and it will get better. A small part of me just chalks it up to me soul getting stronger - my dreams more then dreams, even when awake in the daylight hours. But it's the rest of me that says it's all pointless... That there is nothing and there never was. And that I am simply holding on to an existence that never should have been to begin with. But what's done cannot be undone. Not right now. Maybe not ever.
I must suffer through it, no matter the outcome.
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus
