There's nothing worse in the whole world, than seeing the person you love most within it, in so much pain they don't wanna be part of it any more. ;__;
That pretty much sums up the whole of my day to be honest. My month if I really think about it. I've been trying my hardest to get my fiancé over here from the US, and it's not going so great. I'm so tempted to just go to the bank and get out a loan for how much we need, and a little something extra to keep us going til he settles in, but I've been forbidden. I know that it's a stupid idea because if it fails, if something goes wrong, if he gets sent back... then I'm left with repayments I probably couldn't afford.
I -can- afford to support us both once he's here, that isn't an issue at all.... it's just the initial costs of getting him over here. Visa and passport and flights, and who knows what else. It's just doing my head in. All I want to do is cry myself to sleep every night, but I can't even find the energy for tears any more.
I'm so tired from stress, I'm actually making myself sick. I threw up tonight. All of my dinner, all of my meds. I have an infection that's not healing well because of the stress, and stress-induced eczema that won't go away. And who knows what else is wrong with me, I don't even want to go into it. Oh, and headaches, so many headaches lately, all from spending my days trying to find ways to come up with money, trying to sell stuff, trying to advertise my art... so much energy wasted that I can't even find the energy to actually complete the few pieces of art people have bought.
Everyone's been so nice and helpful, I've had more people watching and faving my stuff in the last few weeks, and people have even offered to help me with raffles and fundraisers and such. But the simple fact is that no one has the money to buy. It's just... it's not fair. That other people can get help, donations and gifts and tips, for all their causes. And yet I can't even get half of what we need to get him here.
Both of us are getting suicidal over this.... knowing that the easiest way for both of us to be together is if we're both dead. But that's not a real option. We both know that.
But what options does that leave us with then? Nothing really. To be stuck half a world away from one another, wanting nothing more than to be together, and having no way of making that happen. It's not fair.
Nothing about this is fair.
It's not right.
But I can't change it.
I fail at that.
Even though everyone tells me I don't, I still feel like I do. I'm nothing but a failure and a screw up and it's hurting the one I love most of all.
I hate myself for that.
I hate everything about today.
I'm just going to go to bed.
Can't even say I'm going to go to bed and hope tomorrow is better, because tomorrow is #fuckthursday.
And things always get worse on #fuckthursday.
