I feel like I'm in the darkness, the purest darkness imaginable, and the only light... is me. I'm burning, from the inside out, all around me, outside in. Burning so brightly it's all I can see and all I can feel. It doesn't hurt though. I welcome it. I welcome every second of it. I want it to take me. I want it to make me nothing but ashes. To take away everything I am. Until there's nothing left. Til I"m not left. I don't want to be here. I can't take it any more. This agony I endure in life, is nothing compared to the fire. The burning is a welcome relief, brings me peace of mind, and body, and soul.
And I don't understand why I feel this way. I don't understand why I want so badly to leave it all behind. I'm so obsessed with this, and I can't fathom any singular reason why I want to give into it more than anything else. I have a good life, I know I do. I love, I am loved, nothing else matters. But why do I feel like I'm dying inside then? Bit by bit, day by day, everything I am slowly been worn away. Like if I let it continue there will be nothing left of me.
But if I give in to the fire, let it consume me in one go... let it take every last piece of me in one go instead of this agonising piece by piece death I have now... I'll live. I'll be reborn. I flourish once again. I don't know how I know this, just that I do. Even when everything screams at me otherwise, I -know- this. And I want to give into it. So. Fucking. Badly.
Except I can't.
I want to, but I can't. I'm unsure, torn, conflicted... I keep thinking of all the things I'll be leaving behind. Most of which I'm holding onto less with each passing day. Then I start thinking of all the 'what ifs'... what if I do, what comes next, what waits for me when I'm gone, when I'm consumed by my own fire, why is this urge even here to begin with, and why is so damn important to me in the first place.
I don't know. I have answers for all the "What if I don't's"... I stay here, I stay the me I know, I remain with her, with my family, with the few things I have, live the life I know, even if/when I hate it. Because in a lot of ways I do. I hate it so much. I hate the human race. I hate the rat race they've invented. I hate trying to... needing to play by the rules. I hate all of it. Humans are stupid and narrow minded and petty, and I hate what they've done and I hate what they've become. And I hate that I'm forced to be one of them.
I don't want to be one of them. I don't want to be amongst them. I don't want to hear their whiney little voices, and have to deal with their mindless little problems, and play their petty fucking games any more. I don't want any of it. I want to curl up, far, FAR away from each and every last one of them. I want to be left alone, with my own darkness, with my colours... I want to be away from every influence good or bad, and left to my own devices to create.
To bring life to the goodness I have left. The ideas, the characters, the images, the colours in my heart and soul. I don't want anything to spoil it, to ruin what little i have left. I want to hold on to it, and I want to nurture it and make it grow. I want it... whatever "it" is, to reach it's full potential even if I can't. I know I can't. I feel like I'm too far gone. I know it. I don't want to believe it. I want to be proven wrong. But my heart just isn't in it. Everything else just tells me I'm fucked, and that I should just go with it. Do what I can, leave behind a little light for whoever or whatever comes after me.
If anything comes after.
I feel that... even if I had something to contribute to this world.... when all is said and done... that won't be a next generation to take over where I left off. Someone... anyone... to continue my legacy... to make the world brighter than I left it.
My flame dies with me.
Eternally.
