Ramble Vent, feel free to ignore.

~thinks carefully~ It's just that.... half my depression stems from my loneliness. I hate the fact that, despite the fact I'm so goddamned loved, I'm stil alone every night and every day. All I want.... is just to be able to curl up in bed, have someone's arms wrapped around me, and to know that I'm safe when I'm asleep. I -hate- being the adult... who and what i am... I am young... I'm wise and I'm knowledgable, but I'm so very young. And the strain of having to be this incredibly anciet human keeps clashing with the need to be a very young soul... which probably doesn't even make sense I suppose. I'm an ancient soul and a young human, but it feels all backwards and wrong. Like what I'm doing, what I am being, out of necessity, is a lie. And it's killing me. Day by day. I would have done it myself long ago if I had of had the choice... I tried in fact... three times actually. Tried and failed, and I was so very glad that I did after the fact... but now... tonight, the last couple of days I'm wondering if that's actually the wisest course. Maybe I should have died when I was meant too, when I tried too. Maybe it would have been better if I never woke from my sleep and just passed away before it all got to this point. Logically I know that it wouldn't.. that I've touched so many lives, and changed so many people, and done so much good.... but... but at the same time I hate the fact that Karma keeps ignoring me. If I've done all this wonderful stuff then where's my moment of happiness in return? Where's all the good that I'm due? When am I gonna get that? Because it's starting to seem like it's going to be "never". No matter what I do, who I help, how many lives I make better.. I'm still going to curl up in bed, at the end of each day, and be completely alone and utterly miserable in the silence of the darkness that I exist in. And I don't like that though. I'm terrified of it. And I don't know why. Because I know in my heart that I'm loved... it's just the rest of me that is slowly becoming corrupted day by day to the fear and the emptiness... I can't... I can stand flirting with people now for fear of rejection, and yet some how I still manage to do it. I can look at guys... girls... people of any sort without wondering what it would be like to be with them. But I can never bring myself to do any more then wonder. And the more I wonder the worse the darkness of doubt gets in my mind. And I knoooow it's a backwards slope, but I feel powerless to change it despite the knowledge that I have to change it before I can have it. Circular thinking here I know, but that's how it is... for all that I was, am and ever will be... loved more then any other being in existence... and yet so alone that I have no choice but to embrace it.