Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your less than nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me..."
When I was... younger, I had this... idea in my head that when I was older I was going to be just like my Mum. Okay, maybe not -just- like, but... I was going to meet a boy in high school and fall madly in love with him. And when we graduated we were gonna get married and have a house, and have 2 kids; a boy and a girl. Twins. Before I understood the difficulties of a single pregnancy that was.
High school... well I was an outsider. A foreigner, in a land I didn't belong. I changed schools in year 10 and got picked on just as much as I did in my previous school. None of the boys were interested in me, even if I was interested in them... or maybe they were and I was just too shy and insecure to be able to tell if they were picking on me cuz they liked me. As boys in high school did.
My dream had to change, to grow with me. Marry my true love in high school became meeting him in University, but my insecurities followed me, and by then were too ingrained in me for me to be able to see a way to change. I was just as shy, just as nervous, and I'd lost all ability to see if a boy liked me or not. I began assuming that every remark and every glance was a statement about my physical appearance. And not a good one either.
I wanted people to like me... to see me for who and how I was. Not on the outside, but on the inside. I just... found it hard to accept that there might actually have been people who did, and I'm ashamed to admit that because I walled myself off I probably missed a fair amount of chances. My life right now could have actually been very different, and more like I'd dreamed of.
But things happen for a reason. I am not ashamed to admit it, or to talk about it now, but during my time at University I became so despondent over my shattered imaginings, that I actually tried to kill myself. Believing in my darkest moments that I would never find love, and lost to the thoughts of a world better off with out me. Once I tried to simply drown myself in a warm shallow bath, but I have this remarkable ability to hold my breath for about 15 minutes, and my ADHD gives me an attention span of about 12 minutes, meaning I got bored of the bath before I lost my breath.
The other 2 times I took an artist's scalpel to my wrists, I pressed until I hit bone, I put all my weight behind it... And it didn't even leave a mark nor draw a drop of blood. So angry at the time, believing I was being denied an option... But now I tell myself that I am ever so thankful for what my Guardian did for me. Thankful for him stopping me, doing whatever was necessary to keep me alive. To keep me here.
And in many ways I actually am. Thankful that I'm still alive because now I -do- have love in my life and can see it for what it is. If He hadn't saved me I wouldn't have been alive to meet my girlfriend, Midnight, my heart and my soul. The major reason I'm still around. I wouldn't have met KB, my Sweetie, who is far too good for the likes of me. I would never have become a furry and made such wonderful friends who care about me so deeply even though they have never met me IRL. I wouldn't be here to see my little Niece, my Bubba Rugrat Isabelle... Izzi, be born. To hold her on her first day in this world or to watch her grow up, grow into her body, develop her soul. Become her own person.
All these reasons I have to stick around, but some how so many more reasons to leave too. I wouldn't have had 3 ex-boyfriends who each, in their own way, destroyed a part of my soul. I would never have learnt who I truly am, I would have died a naive human, blessed in my ignorance. I would never have spent another 10 years living with the pain I have now.
A pain that just seems to be getting worse no matter what I seem to do. This dark loneliness that I can't ever adequately describe and which no other could ever hope to understand. Because no one else is me. No one else thinks like me, or sees like me, or believes like me. Understands like me. Knows like me.
How can anyone who can't know the things I know, ever hope to love me for exactly who and how I am? How can they ever accept me with all their heart, if they can never see things eye to eye with me? Let alone live with me... spend their life with me... raise children, have a family with me, grow old with me and still love me every single day?
The idea... of having a temporary love, of not having this whole permanent thing... A forever family... kind of scares me. The idea of being so in love with someone that I would bring a child into this world, only to grow apart with the father... to lose that love... to have it breed hate or contempt between us... and to then raise a child in that kind of broken family...
I've seen it don't too many times before and I've seen what it can do to future generations. I love my parents, the way they've raised me and my brother, the fact that so many years on they're still just as in love now as they were when they first met. Sometimes even more. I see it every time they look at each other. I really wish I had that, but at the same time I can't see it any more. Not like I used to.
Bastian and BJ, my twins... My children, my future, my life... they don't exist in my mind any more as anything other than a distant dream. Something that might have been if I were merely yet another human. If I never opened myself up to who I really am. To what I really am. To my greater part in the whole scheme of things.
But in learning the bigger picture, I realize the little dreams that I lost... It's the little things I want so desperately. To wake up and feel arms around me. Little kisses on my cheek when he comes home or leaves. A single flower left behind for me to find. A hand to stroke my forehead when I'm ill. To rub my back when I'm sore. And these two little bundles of joy created out of pure love.
---I mourn their loss on a daily basis and I don't even truly realize it. I don't let myself think about it. It's one thing to be a lover. But it's another thing entirely to be a Mother. To give life, and have unconditional love, and to bring light to it. To them.---
This is the darkness in my soul that truly brings me down. Not my own lack of love. I have plenty, even if it's not "IRL", more than most people can ever hope for. And every day I am grateful for it. Don't get me wrong. But my life and soul are incomplete, and I feel like I'm running out of time. In more ways then one.
I am nothing more than a child myself, despite my age and my wisdom and my experience. So much knowledge I want to share. To pass on. But I don't feel like I can, not under my current circumstances... And definitely not to an infant that knows no better. That's why I really need someone with me. Someone to hold my hand and give me strength. To let me know that... in the moments where I stumble and fall, and I -know- that they will happen... someone's got my back to catch me.
To remind me that I'm fucking perfect, just the way I am... and to be able to...
...to...
...to make something... someone, even more perfect... Before it's too late. Before my time is up and everything changes on me again. I want that reason to keep going, to keep moving forward, to stay alive until my purpose is done. To do more then just simply exist in this world until my time is over and I have to go Home again.
I dread not leaving behind my unseen mark... Though the logical part of me knows that I have already done so, on more lives then I can even count. I know this is the part... the though I need to be listening too. But I don't know how.
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus
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