But these things only last so long before they wear off, and the inevitable comes to pass. I lose a piece, forced to leave it where it lands, and just keep trying to move forward. But it's getting harder to keep walking... So much left behind and nothing to replace it. Not enough gained along the way to justify another step.
So if I can't sit still, and I can't move forward... Where is there left for me to go? Where can I ever truly belong? There's no chance for happiness for this broken doll is there? I'm just going to have to sit on the side and watch the world pass by. That or just give up and crumble to dust, heart and soul.
I promised her I wouldn't though. That I wouldn't give up and would give in, and if there is only one thing I have to hold on to it's honor in Love. I love her and will not hurt her like that. But still I'll die. Eventually she will have nothing left, and that hurts so much. More than anything else.
To do this to myself is to hurt her, and I don't want to do that... But I can't not do what I'm doing. It's confused and bad and wrong... Wrong in so many ways but I can't stop it. I'm caught. Trapped. With no way out. Stuck between...stuck beneath... Stuck.
Badbadbadbad, goddess I don't deserve her. Or him. I don't deserve anyone I have. Anything I have. I never earnt it. Not one piece of it. I have never done something so selfless in my life. It's all been motivated by my own desires, my own needs... I cannot live if I cannot please another.
This I don't understand... Maybe it's from the HiveMind. Maybe a leftover fragment I could get rid of before. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it just is. I don't know any thing any more. Nothing makes sense. I just do. I just go with it. Caught to deep in the flow and I'm drowning in it now.
---
Good job, always getting yourself into shit, aren't you Mea? Caught in a trap one way or another... Waiting for them to pull you out. Well they're not here this time are they? Are They! You're stuck, and it's all your own damn fault and if you can't rescue yourself then you're screwed!
Doesn't matter, you've asked for their help anyway... More than once. And they can't help you either. They tried, but they couldn't. So now you're on your own and no one is gonna hold your hand and pull you to safety. You really didn't think this all through huuh? Thought you had it under control but you never actually did. Thought you could fix it but you just made it worse.
Now your too stubborn to let go, to change, to rescue yourself, let alone others. You should just give up now and save everyone else more pain and heart ache. That is, after all, what you're really best at. Not mending hearts, but taping them back together and breaking them yourself. That's really why you are what you are. Why we're using this analogy, isn't it?
Broken hearts, broken dolls, things unmended, forgotten, lost, tossed aside. Garbage, trash, waste.. Waste of space. Waste of life. Waste of light.
It should never have been yours to begin with. You're not only not worthy of it, but you're too pathetic to figure out how to use it properly. If you had half a handle on it you wouldn't be in this predicament to begin with. Things would be much better, and much easier, and much... much... much happier if you even half deserved what you have and what you are.
Whoever chose you was a FOOL. Bet they're regretting it now, huh? Wishing they hadn't done it. Wishing they could take it back. Wishing they could change it. If they'd forseen THIS... Thing, whatever you are now... Bet they wouldn't have done it after all.
If -you- could have truly foreseen this like you thought you could... Would you still have done it? Suffered like this. Ached like this? Hurt like this? Endured this pain? For -this-? To end up here, broken and battered and irreparable?
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Yes. It will be worth it. In the end when there is only light left, it will be worth it. When the darkness is back in its place, it will be worth it. So hard right now, so much pain and confusion, but when it is over, it will have been worth it. I will make sure of that.
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus
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