ANOTHER; energy drinks; what do you think of?

V! It makes time go crazy! Just ask Spike. And Mother. I have a thing for Mother lately. Mostly because work sells them cheap. But I love V by far. Get that in the biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig cans. <3

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

OTAY. hurrs ur questionz. UHM. why do you like cats?

I don't know. I've always just preferred them over dogs. They're smart, they're independent, they're loving and affectionate, they're protective. And I knew all of that before I realized that my 'sona was mostly kitty. ^_^;

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

It's Friday, Friday! Are you gonna get down on Friday? Cause everybody's looking forward tooo the weeeekeeeend. :D

Kill it. Kill it with fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire. BURN IT TIL THERE'S NOTHING LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFT

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

[Rant] I wish I was allowed...

...To stab myself in the arm. In the soft fleshy part up by my elbow here where it would do minimal long term damage (so to speak) but would hurt enough to let me stop just feeling sorry for myself. Not in a suicidal way, just in a "I feel like such a loser, I need a distraction" way.

Been thinking too much about too many stupid things, and I know I'm just looping around in circles out of boredom now. I -know- what the crux of today's problem is, and it actually -isnt- just my lack of funds to be able to go to AVcon this weekend. That's what started it, but that's not where I end(ed) up.

You see, the point of going to any convention is to have fun, hang with (like-minded) friends, and blow a bunch of cash on trivial things such a Con merch so that you can remember it for years to come. Despite my age I'm still of the mindset that could enjoy this type of activity... If only I could afford it. And if only I had friends.

Yes, I believe I am officially a friendless loser at last. Some people I know would be happy at this and say they saw it coming and probably dance til they dropped out of happiness. Don't believe me? Send me a PM and I'll send you some names.

Point is, I could go. I could afford one ticket, and I could go to that Con by myself, and hope that I run into some people I know, but that defeats the purpose. I have no one to hold my hand while we run around like idiot and cause as much havoc as possible.

And the stupid thing that gets to me... This is the story of my life. I sleep alone, I wake alone, I go to work alone, I work alone, I go home alone, and I crawl right back into my empty bed again. Rinse, repeat, ad nauseum. This is my whole life. And it is not worth living for.

No, really. Despite the love in my life, I have nothing and no one to hold my hand more than metaphorically. I am never going to see the look of joy on someone's face because they absolutely love seeing me. I am never going to be able to wake next to someone and watch them sleep, to see their eyes flutter open, to see that moment when they cross from dreams to reality, and see -me-. To watch that smile spread across they face and know that I am loved.

It is this one fundamental need that is driving me insane. Because it is the one thing that I absolutely need the most.

It is one thing to be told I am loved, by friends even halfway around the world, to know the truth of it. But it is a very different thing to -see- it for yourself, and to understand the truth of it. The whole truth. The depth of that love. Without words, and without distance, and without barriers. Without awkward silences, without... Without my own disbelief and hate clouding my judgements and making my insecurities grow.

The longer I am left alone like this, the quicker I lose myself to my own darkness... the more I believe this is exactly where I belong because I can't see the impact I truly make. I am blind to it, because of that distance, and so the idea I have touched a friend and changed their life is such a fleeting feeling that it's a gone all too soon.

I am honestly starting to believe that I am being punished... I have always thought it, but now I actually believe it. Punished for being different, for being abnormal, for being weird. For not lowering my standards and just marrying the first guy to share a bed with me... Or the last one for tha matter. Despite how utterly bad for me he was, and still is.

I see other people holding hands, and saying mushy things, and honestly enjoying their relationships and friendships... And I am completely an outsider now. I can't even fake it. I laugh or I smile... But inside there is nothing. I don't feel it any more. No joy. Just jealousy. Hate and anger. At myself. For being me. For how I am. For what I've done. For what I've become. All of it. Everything I am. It is wrong. And no one can truly love it. If they see it they will had me. And the last shred of me will die.

I can't live like this... I can't stay here feeling like this, without hating myself. But I can't change it. And I can't kill myself without everyone else hating me. I can't tell which is a worse fate any more. And I really don't know what to do either way. I'm halfway through my life, no significant other irl, no kids, no prospects of kids, no prospects of marriage, no home, no family I can relate to, no friends any more... Just me and my cats, and people who don't even truly see me.

And this is how it's always gonna be, isn't it? I will die old and alone and surrounded only by cats, whether I want it or not, because it's right where I belong. There isn't a single part of me that deserves anything close to happiness. Karma decided this long before I got here. That I would be invisible. As soon as I go offline, no one will see me at all... No one will care that I'm gone even. And the handful that do will get over it and move on in time.

I know at least one person is gonna tell me that's completely wrong, but I can't help how I feel. I know I change lives, just by being me. I -have- made it better for quite a lot of people, and as long as I'm here I'll keep doing it. But who's gonna change my life? How many people do I have to help before someone finally helps me? I need an answer to that, but if it even exists... No one else has it but that one being. And I don't know who it is... or how long I can honestly wait before it's too late.

:/
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[Dream] - Vacation

Had a dream last night where I was trying to go away for a holiday, just to Kangaroo Island down south of the state. Personally I've been there about a dozen times, so its no big deal for me, but I know one friend who's never been.

So in my dream myself, my brother, his fiance and their daughter, our best friend, and apparently my 'best friend' all decided to go to KI. Except I was the only one who seemed the least bit organised. Everyone else was procrastinating or having issues of some sort.

My bro and his family were organising and driving themselves, but I was in charge of organising and driving our friends. Trying to pack for myself, load my stuff in the car, get him to actually pack the right stuff and get that in the car, making sure that she was ready to go soon as we picked her up. It was such a mindfuck.

By the end of it I'd manage to move everyone about 1/3 of the way there (on a 5 hour journey to the ferry), hired a hotel room because it was too late to continue, and ended up washing 2 full sets of clothes (that would be on 'set' of cammo pants/shirt/jumper/socks, and one set of purple for anyone paying the home game). I remember pulling them off the clothes line and putting them in the clothes basket, and hauling that to the back door...

That's when someone came around the side of my house. A shorter person dressed all in black. Anyone who knows my house knows you can't get in without a key and/or a ladder, so someone just casually wandering around the back, while creepy under normal settings, is impossible at my place. BUT... That's actually where my dream ended. I never got to see who this shadowy figure was, or why he was creeping around my 'house' or why my 'house'/backyard was my hotel room or why it was located just down from work in the middle of the CBD.



Honestly, is anyone else still wondering why my business is called Weird Dreams Ink?
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[Rant] IDK WTF

...is wrong with me lately. I'm happy one hour and by the time the next rolls around I'm staring at my wrists wishing I hadn't promised I wouldn't slash them again. Its ridiculous and it needs to stop but I don't know how to get out of this mindset.

There is not amount of logic or rationale that will make it go away for longer than an hour at most. And I can't even seem to find a distraction that's effective in taking it away at all. Not even drawing it out of my system fixes anything, but then again I've never been that great at expressionism so I'm not really surprised. Even trying to define it or explain it with words won't do it. The right words to explain the depth of this feeling with anything resembling clarity... they just simply don't exist in the English language.

Its like... there's a tiny pinprick of a vacuum somewhere deep inside my soul, and every little piece of happiness I find is quickly sucked into it like water down a drain. No matter how much I try to resist I only seem to have a square plug for that round hole.

Most of it stems from loneliness, or a variation thereof. The fact that I sleep alone every night, the fact that I wake alone, that there is no one here with me, that there never really ever has been. That there never really ever will be. That I have so much love in my life, but not one single loved one to have and to hold. That even if I did I cannot seem to be everything to any one person, and visa versa. There are so many aspects to me that no one person can love me completely. No one person can understand me complete. No one person anywhere is like me, can ever be like me, will ever be like me.

I am so completely unique and one of a kind, that I am fundamentally alone... and will always be so.

That's enough knowledge to break my heart completely. Enough reasoning to not even want to bother any more. To want to scratch the skin for that brief moment of pain that makes me feel, before healing over and leaving a scar on the outside to reflect all the ones on the inside. Those that love me don't care how I look, but then again they only love me for the one aspect of me that they see... That they want... That they need...

Artist, Lover, Fighter, Teacher, Friend...

No one person knows, accepts, and loves every single part of me. They'll deny it, and try to tell me it's untrue. But I see it clearly, in their words and in their actions, they way the look at me and talk to me. They way they love me. I know it sounds stupid to say that I can feel love, like it has a texture or taste or smell, like I can touch it, but its true. I feel it, every time I think of them, I see -how- they love me.

And all the ways they don't. The parts of me that they overlook and ignore, because they either cannot or will not accept them. Because even when I show it openly it doesn't sink in. I know they don't mean to do it, that it just happens, that they don't notice. But I feel it, as real as everything I touch, and it hurts me. Upsets me. Makes me feel...

I want to say worthless, but I know that's a lie. It just makes me feel alone. And then I get angry at all the things that keep me here. That's the worst part. The anger. The hate. The need to just go. To leave it all behind and go away. Find somewhere I can be either completely alone, or with someone who completely understands me. And then I realize that there is no where for me. No one for me. That I am alone.

I don't know how to deal with this any more. And I'm not sure that anyone can help me either. I feel like I'm at an impasse.

Either that or I just need more sleep.
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[Dream] WtfLol (14/07/11)

Seriously just remembered part of my dream, and it's omghollyhellwtf the fuck level of weird, I assure you.

There's a fair bit missing now, forgot to write it down, FuckThursday has a tendency to make this happen, but I remember the 2 important bits. 1) is my niece. 2) is the CarFather. Oh yeah, you hear right, but that's the end though.

The prominent part about my niece is that, in our haste to escape (from what or why I don't remember) we left her in the other car. My mother was driving, my brother in the passenger seat, and me in the back after switching vehicles, and we left her in the broken down car. My own brother forgot his child, left her in her car seat, and tried to flee. Psychologists, enjoy your field day.

However, I screamed at my Mum to stop the car, and dashed to get her (possibly risking my own life to whatever we were running from). Turns out she was fast asleep though, and I actually woke her up, and scared her for a moment... As she told me. My niece isn't even a year old and while IRL she knows a handful of words, in my dream she actually spoke to me in coherent sentences. O_o

~several work hours later... While the bosses are away~

I have no idea what she was babbling about, only that we have a very indepth conversation about things while I was getting her out of her car seat (which, for some extra messed up reason, required a key to undo) and carried her to the other vehicle. She wasn't as scared as everyone else was thought, she was actually quite rational about the whole situation, and very insightful too.

I forget a lot inbetween, have since I woke up, but the end of my dream I remember quite clearly because it was the funniest and most vivid part of my dream.

~the next morning~

I know, I'm terrible. Its hard to find time to write blogs amongst everything, hence why nothing's been updated aside from via Formspring. I also keep getting distracted. Stupid ADHD.

Anyway, yes, second part of dream is very vivid, I remember a beach, a nice little secluded white beach at the end of the road. Kinda like Henley Beach where me and K used to drive all the time, only more private. No houses right on the foreshore, they were all a few hundred metres back kinda like at Semaphore. And it was a perfectly silent afternoon, red sunset, a few birds but nothing else.

And as I stood there taking it in, there came faint strands of music... A tune that seemed familiar and yet new at the same time. And as it grew louder I realized it was coming from behind me... getting louder and closer, I guess. I walked a few metres up the road, and there was a... parade, I guess you could call it, marching down the street.

I can't remember now exactly what it was, but I have a feeling it was furniture somehow marching down the street disney-esque (Fantasia) style, and each one carried a single car part. I remember being in shock and awe at the same time as I watched them march onto the beach. I think I tried to ask them what they were doing, but furniture doesn't talk. Well not verbally anyway, but as soon as I followed them I saw what was going on...

As the music got louder and clearer, I noticed a car floating towards the short. A little grey VW Beetle, aka Herbie, but stripped of most parts. No doors and no bonnet were the most obvious, but no seats or anything inside, and I was sure that all unnecessary parts were gone from places I couldn't see too. Though obviously enough was still present that this 'sentient' car could still move under its own willpower.

I remember watching it 'swim' towards shore, and all this furniture bowing reverently, prostrating themselves as the Beetle got closer, and the music got more vivid. I was wide eyed and slack jawed for a moment as I took it all in. And then it occurred to me what was going on... This old (grey) beetle was the "CarFather", the GodFather (mafia figure) and he was coming to see me.

I couldn't help it, as soon as I figured it out and the name CarFather went through my head, I started giggling. One of the closest pieces 'glared' at me, and that only made me wanna lol harder. I remember covering my mouth and trying my best but I couldn't hold it in. As soon as I went to fall over laughing though, my alarm went off and I was startled away before I could upset the furniture any further, or get in trouble for disrespecting the CarFather.

The fact that I can remember all this, bar the actual music/song playing, 24 hours later even without writing it down is completely remarkable. I don't like analyzing my dreams anymore, as fun as it might be to interpret this one, so I'm just going to leave this as lol-worthy and be done with it. XD
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When you go to the movies, what's your favorite snack?

M&M's! Always get M&Ms! And a slushie!

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?