There is not amount of logic or rationale that will make it go away for longer than an hour at most. And I can't even seem to find a distraction that's effective in taking it away at all. Not even drawing it out of my system fixes anything, but then again I've never been that great at expressionism so I'm not really surprised. Even trying to define it or explain it with words won't do it. The right words to explain the depth of this feeling with anything resembling clarity... they just simply don't exist in the English language.
Its like... there's a tiny pinprick of a vacuum somewhere deep inside my soul, and every little piece of happiness I find is quickly sucked into it like water down a drain. No matter how much I try to resist I only seem to have a square plug for that round hole.
Most of it stems from loneliness, or a variation thereof. The fact that I sleep alone every night, the fact that I wake alone, that there is no one here with me, that there never really ever has been. That there never really ever will be. That I have so much love in my life, but not one single loved one to have and to hold. That even if I did I cannot seem to be everything to any one person, and visa versa. There are so many aspects to me that no one person can love me completely. No one person can understand me complete. No one person anywhere is like me, can ever be like me, will ever be like me.
I am so completely unique and one of a kind, that I am fundamentally alone... and will always be so.
That's enough knowledge to break my heart completely. Enough reasoning to not even want to bother any more. To want to scratch the skin for that brief moment of pain that makes me feel, before healing over and leaving a scar on the outside to reflect all the ones on the inside. Those that love me don't care how I look, but then again they only love me for the one aspect of me that they see... That they want... That they need...
Artist, Lover, Fighter, Teacher, Friend...
No one person knows, accepts, and loves every single part of me. They'll deny it, and try to tell me it's untrue. But I see it clearly, in their words and in their actions, they way the look at me and talk to me. They way they love me. I know it sounds stupid to say that I can feel love, like it has a texture or taste or smell, like I can touch it, but its true. I feel it, every time I think of them, I see -how- they love me.
And all the ways they don't. The parts of me that they overlook and ignore, because they either cannot or will not accept them. Because even when I show it openly it doesn't sink in. I know they don't mean to do it, that it just happens, that they don't notice. But I feel it, as real as everything I touch, and it hurts me. Upsets me. Makes me feel...
I want to say worthless, but I know that's a lie. It just makes me feel alone. And then I get angry at all the things that keep me here. That's the worst part. The anger. The hate. The need to just go. To leave it all behind and go away. Find somewhere I can be either completely alone, or with someone who completely understands me. And then I realize that there is no where for me. No one for me. That I am alone.
I don't know how to deal with this any more. And I'm not sure that anyone can help me either. I feel like I'm at an impasse.
Either that or I just need more sleep.
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus
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