[Rant] I wish I was allowed...

...To stab myself in the arm. In the soft fleshy part up by my elbow here where it would do minimal long term damage (so to speak) but would hurt enough to let me stop just feeling sorry for myself. Not in a suicidal way, just in a "I feel like such a loser, I need a distraction" way.

Been thinking too much about too many stupid things, and I know I'm just looping around in circles out of boredom now. I -know- what the crux of today's problem is, and it actually -isnt- just my lack of funds to be able to go to AVcon this weekend. That's what started it, but that's not where I end(ed) up.

You see, the point of going to any convention is to have fun, hang with (like-minded) friends, and blow a bunch of cash on trivial things such a Con merch so that you can remember it for years to come. Despite my age I'm still of the mindset that could enjoy this type of activity... If only I could afford it. And if only I had friends.

Yes, I believe I am officially a friendless loser at last. Some people I know would be happy at this and say they saw it coming and probably dance til they dropped out of happiness. Don't believe me? Send me a PM and I'll send you some names.

Point is, I could go. I could afford one ticket, and I could go to that Con by myself, and hope that I run into some people I know, but that defeats the purpose. I have no one to hold my hand while we run around like idiot and cause as much havoc as possible.

And the stupid thing that gets to me... This is the story of my life. I sleep alone, I wake alone, I go to work alone, I work alone, I go home alone, and I crawl right back into my empty bed again. Rinse, repeat, ad nauseum. This is my whole life. And it is not worth living for.

No, really. Despite the love in my life, I have nothing and no one to hold my hand more than metaphorically. I am never going to see the look of joy on someone's face because they absolutely love seeing me. I am never going to be able to wake next to someone and watch them sleep, to see their eyes flutter open, to see that moment when they cross from dreams to reality, and see -me-. To watch that smile spread across they face and know that I am loved.

It is this one fundamental need that is driving me insane. Because it is the one thing that I absolutely need the most.

It is one thing to be told I am loved, by friends even halfway around the world, to know the truth of it. But it is a very different thing to -see- it for yourself, and to understand the truth of it. The whole truth. The depth of that love. Without words, and without distance, and without barriers. Without awkward silences, without... Without my own disbelief and hate clouding my judgements and making my insecurities grow.

The longer I am left alone like this, the quicker I lose myself to my own darkness... the more I believe this is exactly where I belong because I can't see the impact I truly make. I am blind to it, because of that distance, and so the idea I have touched a friend and changed their life is such a fleeting feeling that it's a gone all too soon.

I am honestly starting to believe that I am being punished... I have always thought it, but now I actually believe it. Punished for being different, for being abnormal, for being weird. For not lowering my standards and just marrying the first guy to share a bed with me... Or the last one for tha matter. Despite how utterly bad for me he was, and still is.

I see other people holding hands, and saying mushy things, and honestly enjoying their relationships and friendships... And I am completely an outsider now. I can't even fake it. I laugh or I smile... But inside there is nothing. I don't feel it any more. No joy. Just jealousy. Hate and anger. At myself. For being me. For how I am. For what I've done. For what I've become. All of it. Everything I am. It is wrong. And no one can truly love it. If they see it they will had me. And the last shred of me will die.

I can't live like this... I can't stay here feeling like this, without hating myself. But I can't change it. And I can't kill myself without everyone else hating me. I can't tell which is a worse fate any more. And I really don't know what to do either way. I'm halfway through my life, no significant other irl, no kids, no prospects of kids, no prospects of marriage, no home, no family I can relate to, no friends any more... Just me and my cats, and people who don't even truly see me.

And this is how it's always gonna be, isn't it? I will die old and alone and surrounded only by cats, whether I want it or not, because it's right where I belong. There isn't a single part of me that deserves anything close to happiness. Karma decided this long before I got here. That I would be invisible. As soon as I go offline, no one will see me at all... No one will care that I'm gone even. And the handful that do will get over it and move on in time.

I know at least one person is gonna tell me that's completely wrong, but I can't help how I feel. I know I change lives, just by being me. I -have- made it better for quite a lot of people, and as long as I'm here I'll keep doing it. But who's gonna change my life? How many people do I have to help before someone finally helps me? I need an answer to that, but if it even exists... No one else has it but that one being. And I don't know who it is... or how long I can honestly wait before it's too late.

:/
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