I had it with my Ex, that connection that went beyond simply loving him, but actually existing simply for him... Because of him. I never felt alive until I was in his embrace, and I've felt mostly dead ever since. Its the worst feeling in the world.
And now I find that I have that same feeling all over again with someone new, but I -know- without a doubt, that he would never hurt me the way my Ex did on purpose. Not intentionally anyway. I know that he will though. One day he will leave, I'm sure of it... And I won't be able to live any more. If I give myself to him, like I so badly want to do, he will leave and he will take the last piece of me I have left. And then there will be nothing. And I won't be able to handle that.
So I hold back, and I know I do it even if he doesn't, and I hate myself for it. He's the one person I don't want to do that with. Everyone else knows a part but I want him to know -all- but then I'm afraid I will push him away like I did my Ex. And that would kill me too. So I don't know what to do. It's a rock and a hard place as far as I'm concerned.
I don't want to feel like this, I want to be able to let him know, to let him feel, to let him experience it... Because if there is only one person in this world who deserves it, it's him. But experience has taught me that I shouldn't. Shouldn't feel this way. Shouldn't want this so bad. That I shouldn't fear it, and yet I do.
Because I don't know if he is mine or not. Don't know if my judgment is clouded because I'm holding back, or if I'm holding back because of my fear. Usually I know without a doubt... People come and go, take a piece of me, learn and little, love a little, and go again. I don't want him to go. I don't want to have him and then lose him. Not for a single moment. But I fear I will. I inevitably will. And I will die.
So do I give myself to this one soul, or do I hold back and regret my choice but love others... Not much of a choice is it? I think my mind's already made up, except for when I think about it too much. Then I start understanding my fear too much. Doesn't make it any less real, or any less easy to deal with. It just makes it make more sense.
And the more I think about it the more I see all these things that... I dunno, just... Make my love stronger and more real too. But I start to wonder if it's real or all in my mind. I think I'm just crazy, that I'm so lost I don't know where I am. And then I start to doubt myself, my feelings, my thoughts. And because I am so confused I start thinking this is real. Argh!
I hate this feeling. This roundabout confusion. It makes no sense to me in any way, and yet it does, but it doesn't and ~headdesks~ How can I be so sure and so confused at the same time?! I have -never- evereverevereverever in my whole life experienced that. I have -always- known my place, where I have stood, and what I am supposed to do. I don't get that here. There is nothing but darkness and uncertainty... And promise. And promises have never sat well with me. I have kept all those I have sworn to others... For the most part. But the ones that have been made to me, and tied to my soul... Have always been broken.
Broken promises, broken bonds, broken soul... Broken ME. I fear that. To know what I will become if I get broken again...
Goddess this is so stupid, because that's just what my fucking head says. It has nothing to do with my Heart. There is not a single doubt there, its only my head that says this won't work. That is can never be. That I'm rushing things. That it's a too soon, must keep the walls up, must not let it out, must take it slow, must not plot and plan and scheme... Must not dare to dream... Because all your dreams inevitably become nightmares. In your head and in your heart, in the darkness of your soul where the true you really resides. Beyond the fake shell you exist in, where you truly belong.
But I don't. That's a part of me, yes. But its not all I am. Never was and never will be. But it's there, it exists, and it will always ebb and flow like a tide. I know that, but can I hold to it? Can I really maybe find a balance or have I just... I don't know, smacked my head one too many times. Maybe I'm just crazy and this is just... All too much to be thinking about. I don't even know if I'm still making any sense. I guess he'll tell me when he reads this.
And probably think I'm crazy. Maybe even run away. XD I feel like I should. So stupid, Mea. Getting a little carried away, aren't you? You don't even know how he really feels about you. I know you love me, don't get me wrong, but I'm just...
There is no way that I can explain this to your face. Even in text. This crazy mass of thoughts and feelings. Because I have never felt this way about anyone else before. YOU are unlike anyone I have ever known before. And it confuses me as much as it makes me love you all that much more. And I know you won't judge me for any of this, but I'm judging myself. Worse than ever before.
I have felt this way about you since the moment I found you, and I didn't know how to explain it then and I still don't know that I can explain it to you now. How much I love you, just the way you are. Because you are who you are and how you are. It goes beyond simply being able to say "oh, we have this, this and this in common and we both like these things". This is... The most irrational feeling I have ever had. And yet it's the best one too.
It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense. And this is what I'm terrified of. That how I feel... That you don't feel the same way. That you couldn't. That it's just me. That it's just a stupid pointless feeling. That... I don't know. Too much, too soon? Too wrong? ~rolls around~ Eh, I usually get carried away imagining what might be, I usually have so little to live for I revel in it when I have it before my stupíd brain kicks in and tells me to quit it.
This is different. ~looks at you~ with you it's different. I want it all, but I'm also happy with nothing. With just... knowing you. ~cries silently~ Just knowing that you're there, and that you're you. I don't ever want to lose you... But more importantly I don't want the -world- to lose you. That's why I worry about you so much. I don't ever want you to change. To be any different than you really are. Cuz I see it. And I love it. And even if the world never acknowledges it, you're important. I can't... Can't explain how or why, I just know that you are.
And I want to be a part of that.
If you'll let me. If you want me. No matter what. Feel free to tell me I'm being stupid, that the way I feel is irrational, that... I don't know. Slap me if you feel like it. I don't want to go anywhere, no matter what. Even if you absolutely reject me for all this nonsense... But I don't believe you will.
I. Love. You. <3 More than I can explain. In words anyway. I just wish you were here, so I could let you feel my heart beat, and know for sure you know how I feel. Because I wouldn't have to try and put it into words that can never explain how completely I feel about you. <3
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus
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