This is why I need to redye my hair blonde....

....because I -have- to stop thinking.

"It's times like these that I just want to curl up and cry for all I'm worth, over all that I have become. The things that should have been, the things that could have been, the things that never will be. To weep for the life that I have lost, the chances missed, the love that's gone. The opportunities that will never, ever, be... because I have changed the course of my own destiny, and am doomed to my Eternal Fate.

Nothing that I do or say can bring it back, and I am lost in a sea of uncertainty, never knowing what will come next, but seeing all the things that might be. Never able to grasp a single one before I see all the choices, and make my decisions, and before I understand what I have truly done... it is taken from me... before it is gone, and never to be again.

What I think I have, I don't.

What I want, I can't.

And what I do, I do not appreciate as much as I should... because of the darkness in my heart.

These things I know, these things I understand... these things tear me apart, inside and out... fear, loathing, chaos, pain... these are all that I will become... I have no control for it -is- what is meant to be. What -I- am meant to be. I feel it in my very soul. I hate it, but I cannot change it. For to change it is to lose something more dear to me. Sacrifice myself, or live a lie, or watch it all turn to dust. This choice is painful, but my mind is still made up. And so I suffer through it, knowing that it makes it worth it in the end.

Whenever that may be.

But knowing, without a doubt, does not bring Faith. It is Faith that I do not have. In myself. In my choices. In my decisions. Because I feel that... as much as they -are- my choices, to see the alternate options, to see the pain that it would bring to others... it's not a choice to me. To bear this weigh, alone, without help, without acknowledgement... without a moment's consideration for myself before committing to my actions... it's all I have.

Without it I am nothing, and I am no one. I am not -me-. And to not be me, is a fate worse then Oblivion."



Random thoughts... try not to read too much into it. kthxbai

~slinks back under the bed silently~