I am so sick of struggling. Of trying to live week to week, to make a life... And failing miserably at everything I put my mind too. It hurts too much, to be in such constant pain. Trying every moment of my life to do what's right, not for me, but for everyone else. To make their lives brighter and better and happier. Where is karma? Where is my happiness? My life? My love? I sacrifice EVERYTHING. My time, my effort, my money, my -life-. I have none. I have no reason to be here. I have every reason to be gone from this forsaken planet. This... Life. And yet I -chose- to remain, to help those I care about. It is MY choice to remain in this shell, barely existing despite my repeated urges to not. Hoping that if I just hold out for one more day, tomorrow will be better. And it ISN'T. It NEVER is. It grows WORSE with every breath I take. It grows harder to make the choice to not quit, to not give in, to not give up. To stay, when ever fiber of my being wants to abandon it all and go HOME. This is NOT where I belong. It never WAS and it NEVER will be. I've had enough. I can't do this any more. I am slowly dying. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Breath by struggling breath. Each living beat of my heart tears at me. Destroys another piece of my soul. takes it from me and renders it into immeasurable pieces that can never return to where they once belonged. It changes me. Take a part of who I am and completely destroys it. Til I am no longer the person I once was. I can never go back to being her, and some days that seems like a blessing, because I know that change is good. Change is great. Change is wonderful. It is the fact that these pieces can never be reformed, never be replaced, will never EVER be a part of me again. This is what hurts; the fact that once they are gone, there is nothing left to replace them. Bit by bit I am being destroyed. I am destroying myself. Because for all I give, I only get back a fraction in return. And still I give. Freely. Knowing what it does to me. Knowing that in the end there will be nothing left. And I don't care. I am beginning to welcome it. The sweet embrace of nothingness calls to me. Peace, and silence, and serenity. Nothing left. Nothing of me. Nothing to hurt, or feel sad, or feel angry. I want it. So much. Because I know there is no hope left for happiness. It is beyond my reach now. I have given it all away. Taken every last piece and gifted it to someone else. Never to be a part of me again. All I have left is the darkness. All I fear now is waking. To close my eyes and stop feeling this pain would be a gift. To open them again and begin to feel all over is a nightmare. My life should never have come to this. It was all supposed to be different. But I fucked it up. I fucked it up so badly and now I can't take it all back even if I wanted to. I've done this to myself. I know I have. I know it's for the best. That given my choices this is the lesser of all the evils. This pain is my choice too. I know that. But that doesn't make it any less unbearable. It doesn't make it easier a load to carry. It doesn't stop the pain and the longing for something different. It doesn't make me regret it, but it doesn't make me want to stop longing for ... for Home. For where I really DO belong. For where I really WANT to be. For WHO I want to be. For who I want to be with. This life... This consciousness... Doesn't seem worth saving any more. Doesn't feel like it's worth saving any more. I am running out of reasons to struggle so furiously against it. Except that I know to give in to it would mean that other would have to suffer. They would lose out after all is said and done. In order to have what I want, and need... Others would have to suffer. And I cannot do that. I cannot make that choice. I cannot go down that path, for there is NO hope at all. No love. No light. No life. Only death, and destruction. A lose of the last of who and what I am. Darkness. Sweet temptation, but utter obliteration. By another's hand. I don't... I -can't-. It calls to me so clearly, but I can't. I must suffer onwards. Step by step. Leaving pieces of myself behind for others to find. To claim. To change. To change them. That is the best I can hope for now. I know I am doomed. But perhaps I can help them even for a moment. A beat of my dying heart, to give theirs life. Love. Light. To guide them on their path, as I lose my way on mine. No footsteps left to guide them. No sounds left to call them. No love left to help them. Only guidance to find it within themselves, so that they may succeed where I have obviously failed.
Weird Dreams Ink
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http://weirddreamsink.com
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
[Ramble - Please Ignore] It hurts too much...
Friday, August 10, 2012
[Rant] On Relationships and Life
I'm not attention seeking, or looking for comments, questions or opinions on the matter, I'm just stating matter-of-factly who and how I am. If you don't like it, too bad. If you find you have questions then by all means ask away with an open-mind and I'll happily answer
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Hi, My name's Mea and I'm polyamorous. That means that I engage in "multiple LOVING or sexual relationships". Emphasis on the loving part. I have multiple 'partners', those being people that I love. Exactly how they are. And for what I can offer them, not the other way around. I enjoy talking to them, spending time with them, being with them.
A small part of that involves hugging, kissing, and other various activities that involve touching. Which is a major thing for me because I am also hephaptephobic. Also more commonly known as touch-phobic. I have a thing against people I don't know or trust touching me, even innocently. It takes a hell of a lot of getting to know someone before it gets to the stage where I will even let them hug me, let alone do anything else with me.
This applies online as much as it does offline. In my mind there is no difference. I do not behave any differently in text to what I would in someone's physical presence. I detest both thieves and liars, and thus I am neither myself. I do not lie, unless it cannot be helped, and even then I will only omit truths that would hurt the other person. Actually, come to think of it, even then if I'm questioned directly I will always tell the truth.
And that's why I feel the need to post this. The last couple of days have been irritating as hell. More than one person has taken my polyamory the wrong way, and it's just really a pet peeve of mine. I am not a 'slut' in any sense of the word. I do not 'sleep around' with multiple partners, physically or online, and I won't be with just anyone.
The people that I am with I genuinely love. I care about them, and want to take care of them, as if they were the only one I was with. I don't love one over another, treat one differently to another, or use one and then move on to another.
And that's a point I feel I need to emphasize. I am not cheating on anyone I am with, they are all aware that there are others, they come into a relationship fully aware of that fact. Nor am I using anyone I am with; they come to me, we talk, get to know one another, get along so well that we mutually decide to be in this relationship. I love them and they love me.
I have never left anyone I have ever been with. They have always walked away from me, and for the most part it's mutual.
There is a saying I understand all too well, and seems more than fitting for this. "There are people that come into your life for a reason... For a season.. And for a lifetime." Some of my ex-partners have been reasons. They come for a short time, being in their life (or them being in mine) is for a reason. And once that time has come and gone they move on. I understand, I have no qualms with it, and I accept it. I learn and I move on.
There are some that stick around for a season. That is a longer period of time where we both need each other, enjoy each other's company, and don't feel the need to leave any time soon. Often these people simply slip from 'partner' to friend, and sometimes in to oblivion. Gone but never forgotten.
Rarely do I ever find a lifetime. So rarely that I must honestly say that I can only think of one single person I would put into this category. My girlfriend. I have known her for over a decade now. I have been through all the highs and lows of a relationship with her. I have been her best friend, her worst enemy, her greatest supporter, and have never once lost her. She has been offline for months, not a word able to be gotten to me even to let me know she is alright. And still she has eventually come back, and it's as if she had never left. She is my heart and soul, and I know she will always be so to me.
This does not mean that there is no room for any other in my life. But I do not actively go looking for them. I am simply open to what may or may not be as life puts opportunities before me.
I spent all of my high school years single and alone, by choice. I was never attracted to anyone I knew, and those I was attracted to... I didn't really have the guts to "talk" to. Looking back on it I understand why, but at the time I didn't know and I blamed myself, my size, my looks, my personality, everything. I felt, quite plainly, like I wasn't worth anyone's time and effort. That I would never be so, and that I would be alone forever.
I was, and mostly still am, incredibly shy. I don't do well with people due to my touchphobia. The very idea of someone I don't know touching me, even briefly, sends shivers down my spine. I'm also somewhat germphobic, which is why I often rage on Twitter about the stupid 'sheeple' who brush past me or step right out in front of me uncaringly.
This is something I didn't come to understand until I'd left University. And it's something I struggle with every day. It's also something that affects me online as well. I don't like the idea of even cyber-hugging someone I just met. As a fur, in a world where hugging is the primary way of saying hello to everyone, it's frustrating beyond words. But I am reasonable and won't have a go at anyone until after they've been warned at least a couple of times. It's easy to forget and I understand that.
Some people just need to remember it's NOT personal, and it's NOT a choice I make. It's part of who and how I am. I cannot change it as much as I could change my OCD or the color of my skin. It's a subconscious thought process that occurs before my brain has even thought about it and though I can struggle against my verbal response to it, I cannot change the physical one.
There are many people out there that have the same reaction, it's a survival instinct: don't let a potential enemy get close enough to damage you. But most people are able to repress it. I am not most people, that's all. I prefer people to simply ask first. Ask if you can hug me, ask if it's okay seeing as I don't know you, or even if you do know me ask anyway to be certain. It's a good thing to do with anyone you don't (or barely) know.
Too many people in this world forget that love comes in many forms, as does friendliness. Just because I don't like being touched by strangers doesn't mean I am not touchable at all. Doesn't mean I'm not friendly. Doesn't mean I'm not open to getting to know you before I call you my friend. Or that I'm not willing to take it further if I like you, get to feel something for you, find a reason to be in a relationship with you. For a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
If you can't even begin to fathom all that... Well then... I don't think I even want to try to get to know you. Plain and simple.
Weird Dreams Ink
Graphic Arts, Web Design and hosting
http://weirddreamsink.com