[Ramble - Please Ignore] It hurts too much...

Repost from Tuesday, 14th August. 8:53pm

I am so sick of struggling. Of trying to live week to week, to make a life... And failing miserably at everything I put my mind too. It hurts too much, to be in such constant pain. Trying every moment of my life to do what's right, not for me, but for everyone else. To make their lives brighter and better and happier. Where is karma? Where is my happiness? My life? My love? I sacrifice EVERYTHING. My time, my effort, my money, my -life-. I have none. I have no reason to be here. I have every reason to be gone from this forsaken planet. This... Life. And yet I -chose- to remain, to help those I care about. It is MY choice to remain in this shell, barely existing despite my repeated urges to not. Hoping that if I just hold out for one more day, tomorrow will be better. And it ISN'T. It NEVER is. It grows WORSE with every breath I take. It grows harder to make the choice to not quit, to not give in, to not give up. To stay, when ever fiber of my being wants to abandon it all and go HOME. This is NOT where I belong. It never WAS and it NEVER will be. I've had enough. I can't do this any more. I am slowly dying. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Breath by struggling breath. Each living beat of my heart tears at me. Destroys another piece of my soul. takes it from me and renders it into immeasurable pieces that can never return to where they once belonged. It changes me. Take a part of who I am and completely destroys it. Til I am no longer the person I once was. I can never go back to being her, and some days that seems like a blessing, because I know that change is good. Change is great. Change is wonderful. It is the fact that these pieces can never be reformed, never be replaced, will never EVER be a part of me again. This is what hurts; the fact that once they are gone, there is nothing left to replace them. Bit by bit I am being destroyed. I am destroying myself. Because for all I give, I only get back a fraction in return. And still I give. Freely. Knowing what it does to me. Knowing that in the end there will be nothing left. And I don't care. I am beginning to welcome it. The sweet embrace of nothingness calls to me. Peace, and silence, and serenity. Nothing left. Nothing of me. Nothing to hurt, or feel sad, or feel angry. I want it. So much. Because I know there is no hope left for happiness. It is beyond my reach now. I have given it all away. Taken every last piece and gifted it to someone else. Never to be a part of me again. All I have left is the darkness. All I fear now is waking. To close my eyes and stop feeling this pain would be a gift. To open them again and begin to feel all over is a nightmare. My life should never have come to this. It was all supposed to be different. But I fucked it up. I fucked it up so badly and now I can't take it all back even if I wanted to. I've done this to myself. I know I have. I know it's for the best. That given my choices this is the lesser of all the evils. This pain is my choice too. I know that. But that doesn't make it any less unbearable. It doesn't make it easier a load to carry. It doesn't stop the pain and the longing for something different. It doesn't make me regret it, but it doesn't make me want to stop longing for ... for Home. For where I really DO belong. For where I really WANT to be. For WHO I want to be. For who I want to be with. This life... This consciousness... Doesn't seem worth saving any more. Doesn't feel like it's worth saving any more. I am running out of reasons to struggle so furiously against it. Except that I know to give in to it would mean that other would have to suffer. They would lose out after all is said and done. In order to have what I want, and need... Others would have to suffer. And I cannot do that. I cannot make that choice. I cannot go down that path, for there is NO hope at all. No love. No light. No life. Only death, and destruction. A lose of the last of who and what I am. Darkness. Sweet temptation, but utter obliteration. By another's hand. I don't... I -can't-. It calls to me so clearly, but I can't. I must suffer onwards. Step by step. Leaving pieces of myself behind for others to find. To claim. To change. To change them. That is the best I can hope for now. I know I am doomed. But perhaps I can help them even for a moment. A beat of my dying heart, to give theirs life. Love. Light. To guide them on their path, as I lose my way on mine. No footsteps left to guide them. No sounds left to call them. No love left to help them. Only guidance to find it within themselves, so that they may succeed where I have obviously failed.
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