I'm not attention seeking, or looking for comments, questions or opinions on the matter, I'm just stating matter-of-factly who and how I am. If you don't like it, too bad. If you find you have questions then by all means ask away with an open-mind and I'll happily answer
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Hi, My name's Mea and I'm polyamorous. That means that I engage in "multiple LOVING or sexual relationships". Emphasis on the loving part. I have multiple 'partners', those being people that I love. Exactly how they are. And for what I can offer them, not the other way around. I enjoy talking to them, spending time with them, being with them.
A small part of that involves hugging, kissing, and other various activities that involve touching. Which is a major thing for me because I am also hephaptephobic. Also more commonly known as touch-phobic. I have a thing against people I don't know or trust touching me, even innocently. It takes a hell of a lot of getting to know someone before it gets to the stage where I will even let them hug me, let alone do anything else with me.
This applies online as much as it does offline. In my mind there is no difference. I do not behave any differently in text to what I would in someone's physical presence. I detest both thieves and liars, and thus I am neither myself. I do not lie, unless it cannot be helped, and even then I will only omit truths that would hurt the other person. Actually, come to think of it, even then if I'm questioned directly I will always tell the truth.
And that's why I feel the need to post this. The last couple of days have been irritating as hell. More than one person has taken my polyamory the wrong way, and it's just really a pet peeve of mine. I am not a 'slut' in any sense of the word. I do not 'sleep around' with multiple partners, physically or online, and I won't be with just anyone.
The people that I am with I genuinely love. I care about them, and want to take care of them, as if they were the only one I was with. I don't love one over another, treat one differently to another, or use one and then move on to another.
And that's a point I feel I need to emphasize. I am not cheating on anyone I am with, they are all aware that there are others, they come into a relationship fully aware of that fact. Nor am I using anyone I am with; they come to me, we talk, get to know one another, get along so well that we mutually decide to be in this relationship. I love them and they love me.
I have never left anyone I have ever been with. They have always walked away from me, and for the most part it's mutual.
There is a saying I understand all too well, and seems more than fitting for this. "There are people that come into your life for a reason... For a season.. And for a lifetime." Some of my ex-partners have been reasons. They come for a short time, being in their life (or them being in mine) is for a reason. And once that time has come and gone they move on. I understand, I have no qualms with it, and I accept it. I learn and I move on.
There are some that stick around for a season. That is a longer period of time where we both need each other, enjoy each other's company, and don't feel the need to leave any time soon. Often these people simply slip from 'partner' to friend, and sometimes in to oblivion. Gone but never forgotten.
Rarely do I ever find a lifetime. So rarely that I must honestly say that I can only think of one single person I would put into this category. My girlfriend. I have known her for over a decade now. I have been through all the highs and lows of a relationship with her. I have been her best friend, her worst enemy, her greatest supporter, and have never once lost her. She has been offline for months, not a word able to be gotten to me even to let me know she is alright. And still she has eventually come back, and it's as if she had never left. She is my heart and soul, and I know she will always be so to me.
This does not mean that there is no room for any other in my life. But I do not actively go looking for them. I am simply open to what may or may not be as life puts opportunities before me.
I spent all of my high school years single and alone, by choice. I was never attracted to anyone I knew, and those I was attracted to... I didn't really have the guts to "talk" to. Looking back on it I understand why, but at the time I didn't know and I blamed myself, my size, my looks, my personality, everything. I felt, quite plainly, like I wasn't worth anyone's time and effort. That I would never be so, and that I would be alone forever.
I was, and mostly still am, incredibly shy. I don't do well with people due to my touchphobia. The very idea of someone I don't know touching me, even briefly, sends shivers down my spine. I'm also somewhat germphobic, which is why I often rage on Twitter about the stupid 'sheeple' who brush past me or step right out in front of me uncaringly.
This is something I didn't come to understand until I'd left University. And it's something I struggle with every day. It's also something that affects me online as well. I don't like the idea of even cyber-hugging someone I just met. As a fur, in a world where hugging is the primary way of saying hello to everyone, it's frustrating beyond words. But I am reasonable and won't have a go at anyone until after they've been warned at least a couple of times. It's easy to forget and I understand that.
Some people just need to remember it's NOT personal, and it's NOT a choice I make. It's part of who and how I am. I cannot change it as much as I could change my OCD or the color of my skin. It's a subconscious thought process that occurs before my brain has even thought about it and though I can struggle against my verbal response to it, I cannot change the physical one.
There are many people out there that have the same reaction, it's a survival instinct: don't let a potential enemy get close enough to damage you. But most people are able to repress it. I am not most people, that's all. I prefer people to simply ask first. Ask if you can hug me, ask if it's okay seeing as I don't know you, or even if you do know me ask anyway to be certain. It's a good thing to do with anyone you don't (or barely) know.
Too many people in this world forget that love comes in many forms, as does friendliness. Just because I don't like being touched by strangers doesn't mean I am not touchable at all. Doesn't mean I'm not friendly. Doesn't mean I'm not open to getting to know you before I call you my friend. Or that I'm not willing to take it further if I like you, get to feel something for you, find a reason to be in a relationship with you. For a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
If you can't even begin to fathom all that... Well then... I don't think I even want to try to get to know you. Plain and simple.
Weird Dreams Ink
Graphic Arts, Web Design and hosting
http://weirddreamsink.com
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