AAKA: STFU Emo-Mea
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9.45am
Today is not going so well, which is highly unusual for a wednesday. So I suddenly feel compelled to record it.
Started when I woke up wondering why someone was calling me in the middle of the night, then realized it was my alarm but couldn't figure out why it was set, then I realized it was cuz I had to get up but I couldn't figure out why, and I couldn't find the off button for a minute either. Had to mash the touch screen on my blackberry torch for a good 30 seconds or more. It took me 2 more minutes to realize it's wednesday and another minute for it to sink in that I have to go to work. (Groan)
From there it just seems to have gone downhill. Not even coffee could wake me properly, couldn't see straight (still kinda can't), couldn't coordinate, couldn't figure out what to wear (and only got dressed when it was actually my usual time to leave, that's how out of it I was). I nearly forgot my lunch, and once I'd made it I ended up chasing the kitten around to get back the discarded meat covering (he decided he could eat it just because it smelt like meat, not a good idea Kitten, it's inedible plastic!) and I DID forget my work pass. Had to go back after I got to the main road, and locking the garage for the second time I cut open my knuckle on the rogue screw. Ffffff. >.<;
Got held up by traffic all the way to the station the second time, and of course missed my usual train, ended up having 2 smokes instead of my usual morning 1 (still trying to wake up). Had to sit on the floor of the train all the way into the City due to lack of seats, and ended up with a woman sitting next to me filling out divorce papers (so someone else is having a #fuckthursday tomorrow too, not just me). My hair is STILL a mess, thankfully with my new haircut you can't really tell, and I managed to rock up to work only "5 minutes late". It's actually really late for me, but I have flexitime so it's not so bad. Just means I won't be able to work my usual overtime hours to get my time sheet back ahead. Sigh.
Oh, and all morning I've been struggling with the English language. For example, Live. I write it as live, as in "life I live". Brain's -reading- it as live, as in "live concert". English is not my forte today, which bloody sucks because all I do all day at work is type druggie-English into word documents all day. Can't write proper English how am I supposed to translate retarded English into a readable format?
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4pm
Okay, so work hasn't been much better. Except for one moment joking with a co-worker about my new haircut I've pretty much been ignored. Most I've gotten is a polite hello here and there. I really should be used to it by now, but somehow it still hurts. And a single compliment about my hair I wasn't sure how to take. I don't feel like I belong here with these people, and it's like they all know it, but they don't want to admit it. I'm just here; always have been and always will be.
I mean, I hope I won't be here forever, but that's how they treat me, neither here nor there. I suppose it's partly my fault, I can't even remember half their names even though I've worked with a lot of them for the last 3 years. There are just some people you never get along with or really interact with. That's the way of work I suppose; of any large group of people.
It always comes back to the Monkey Circle.
Mine seems to be getting ever smaller, the only person I really considered my last remaining RL friend is moving soon, and I only just found out today via Facebook. Charming, no? So I'm kinda worse off for that, even though I know I probably haven't really been the best friend to her it's still depressing to me. But don't get me wrong. I AM happy for her, she's so excited and she deserves some positive in her life, and I hope this is a positive step in the right direction for her and her Mum. <3
Just makes me wonder what I've done lately to deserve some positive, if anything at all. Maybe that's why I am like I am... and where I am. Karma's a bitch and I deserve it? Iunno. I'd say yes but right now that would probably only be my Darkness talking.
Speaking of which...
"I feel like... I'm ready to give up. Not want to. Not going to. Just ready to. Like it's inevitable and I..."
I wrote "can't stop it" when I tweeted it, but that's not the right way to describe it. It's like it's inevitable and every shred of resistance I once had is just.. Gone now. I don't want to fight any more, I wanna let it take me and just... See what happens. I know it won't be pleasant for those around me, but I feel like giving it a try now, rather then waiting for later.
Indifference. That's the word. I am indifferent to the pain (real, imagined and potential), like every wall of common sense that made me fight against it has gone or disappeared. Not crumbled, not broken, just no longer there. And I am indifferent to this knowledge and the consequences that will come from it.
"There are two types of evil in this world: the evil of men who do great harm to others with no remorse... And the indifference of good men who stand idly by and let it happen without lifting a finger to stop it"
It's complete indifference that I feel... and that actually makes me sad for such a pathetic... Thought process I guess... and anger for it at the same time, yet I can't even act on that and kick myself back into my rightful place. Of all the things I prepared myself for... Hate, anger, despair, Darkness.... I did not prepare myself for utter indifference.
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6pm
Okay, home time, somewhat reluctantly. I'm in no rush to get there other than that my OCD demands I catch the right train and do so on time. I have no joy in returning to an empty house, other than that a large part of me wants nothing more then to curl up in bed and sleep. Preferably without dreaming. Though I do not have nightmares lately, like I some times do, I dread it more for having to wake up again tomorrow. It IS, after all, the real #fuckthursday.
I dread a repeat of the morning I've had today, the prospect of coming BACK to work, of spending another 12 hours of my life in wasted spaces doing things I neither want nor love to do. I miss being a Centrelink (Social Security) bum honestly. I feel like I wasted all those years, not because I had no job, but because I spent many of those hours whiling away the hours doing nothing productive. I don't think I -knew- how to be productive. And certainly not like I do now.
Spend the last 6 weekends in a row actually achieving things, be it Nubi's fill-in comic pages, commission art, ceramic painting... I'm DOING things. And for a change I -am- actually happy with my art; I am grasping proportion with each passing day, I have coloring under control for the moment to the point where I am content, I have outlining/inking and scanning well thought out for my needs. What I'm -not- happy is the fact that no one else seems to share my enthusiasm. I have maybe 2 commissions a month, during Sketchfest I get maybe 10 no matter how much planning or advertising I do.
It makes me feel like my art isn't as worthy as my friends make it out to be. Don't get me wrong, I love the praise they give me, but as a pessimist I start thinking that they only say these things because they feel it's necessary. That it's the thing to be said/done, not because they actually believe what they're telling me. Back to the indifference theory again.
I know that is a lie, but because of this indifference I can't feel it... I've had 3 people hug me (online anyway) and I'm all "meh" about it. I know it's because they wish they could cheer me up, and I don't begrudge them a chance to try, but it's just not working. Somehow I get the feeling it would be exactly the same if RL hugs were involved, but alas I have no chance of that happening any time soon.
I wonder if I shall be stuck like this? Feeling this way... Or more specifically NOT-feeling at all.
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7pm
Home now, errors and half written sentences fixed... I think. My train of thought was going to go absolutely nowhere so I'm glad I had to get off the train and drive home. Other people are home now too, not at my house (I wish) but the work day is over for a lot of people.
Oh, some utter fucktard pulled into my turning lane from the side street, where it's clearly labeled NO RIGHT TURN. Maybe my indifference was a good thing for a moment there. I didn't park my tank in the way of his rust bucket and get out to give him a lecture. Can citizens give out tickets to fuckwits? So tempted but alas, I didn't give a fuck. Just wanted him out of my lane so I could get home.
Thinking about it I feel like I'm torn. One part of me doesn't give a fuck, one part knows how I WANT to feel, and the other part knows how I SHOULD feel. But these three "parts" are completely separate. I hope I have split again. That'd just be retarded. I have enough voices in my head already.
Tl:dnr - I am indifferent and it feels wrong and right at the same time but I just don't give a fuck. Bring on bedtime, maybe I can sleep it off, and if not at least I won't be conscious for 5/6 hours.
Yes, that's how little I sleep.
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus
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