I don't know if I can do this anymore....

There's nothing worse in the whole world, than seeing the person you love most within it, in so much pain they don't wanna be part of it any more. ;__;

That pretty much sums up the whole of my day to be honest. My month if I really think about it. I've been trying my hardest to get my fiancé over here from the US, and it's not going so great. I'm so tempted to just go to the bank and get out a loan for how much we need, and a little something extra to keep us going til he settles in, but I've been forbidden. I know that it's a stupid idea because if it fails, if something goes wrong, if he gets sent back... then I'm left with repayments I probably couldn't afford.

I -can- afford to support us both once he's here, that isn't an issue at all.... it's just the initial costs of getting him over here. Visa and passport and flights, and who knows what else. It's just doing my head in. All I want to do is cry myself to sleep every night, but I can't even find the energy for tears any more.

I'm so tired from stress, I'm actually making myself sick. I threw up tonight. All of my dinner, all of my meds. I have an infection that's not healing well because of the stress, and stress-induced eczema that won't go away. And who knows what else is wrong with me, I don't even want to go into it. Oh, and headaches, so many headaches lately, all from spending my days trying to find ways to come up with money, trying to sell stuff, trying to advertise my art... so much energy wasted that I can't even find the energy to actually complete the few pieces of art people have bought.

Everyone's been so nice and helpful, I've had more people watching and faving my stuff in the last few weeks, and people have even offered to help me with raffles and fundraisers and such. But the simple fact is that no one has the money to buy. It's just... it's not fair. That other people can get help, donations and gifts and tips, for all their causes. And yet I can't even get half of what we need to get him here.

Both of us are getting suicidal over this.... knowing that the easiest way for both of us to be together is if we're both dead. But that's not a real option. We both know that.

But what options does that leave us with then? Nothing really. To be stuck half a world away from one another, wanting nothing more than to be together, and having no way of making that happen. It's not fair. 

Nothing about this is fair.

It's not right.

But I can't change it.

I fail at that. 

Even though everyone tells me I don't, I still feel like I do. I'm nothing but a failure and a screw up and it's hurting the one I love most of all.

I hate myself for that.

I hate everything about today.

I'm just going to go to bed.

Can't even say I'm going to go to bed and hope tomorrow is better, because tomorrow is #fuckthursday.

And things always get worse on #fuckthursday.

Weird Dream/Nightmare thing

So I went and had a nap before, a minor headache that I thought would go away with sleep, really didn't. And in the dark and quiet where it usually fades, it actually blossomed and infected my dream. DX

In my dream I was sleeping... napping like I was IRL, with the same sort of headache as what I had. Except in my dream I awoke to something much worse then a mere headache. In the dark I coudln't tell at first, just that something wasn't right with all the shadows I was seeing. They seemed.... darker, more ominous, almost as if my entire world was lack & white. I was scared to turn on the light, but I couldn't quite place why, so I simply laid in the dark trying not to panic. Eventually I got up, and started to avoid turning on the lights, I didn't want to know what my mind was trying to tell me. But I could only avoid it for so long.

Eventually I realised (beyond that fact that I wasn't in the house I currently live in, my brain was still telling me that the multi-million dollar mansion I was in was completely mine and I totally belonged there)... for some reason my eyesight was off. I was color blind, my world -was- suddenly black and white. And for some reason it was clouded, as if I'd developed cataracts overnight. This freaked me out quite a lot, I know that I can live without color if I really must, but the very idea of being blind... as an artist it's one of my biggest fears. I'm lucky in that I've pretty much had perfect vision all my life.

I remember calling my brother, or at least trying to... reaching out for help, because I didn't know what to do, and even if there was medical help available to me, I couldn't get to it with my lack of sight. My sister-in-law answered the phone instead, and at first didn't believe me... or more specifically didn't believe I only -just- woken up blind. By the sounds of it I had been that way for a while, it's like I had amnesia and simply "forgot" that I was legally blind. There were other people around her in the background, and they had the same sort of attitude. So I sort of gave up, and started making my way around the "house" I was in, stumbling along because I could see shapes, but not clearly. They were all just various dark blobs, so there wasn't too many injuries.

The house itself fascinated me. It was build on the side of a cliff, rather than on the top, as if to make it impossible to get in or out without knowing how to get proper access. I remember that much because at one stage I nearly fell through a gap in the fence to my death on the rocky shoreline below. It stuck in my mind. Otherwise the building itself was made of steel and glass, and appeared to be half business and half personal home. There was an office, that didn't belong to me, and I remember that bit because when she did finally turn up she went into one of the offices, where there happened to be a Skunk trapped in there for the weekend. This was apparently a prank on one of my co-workers, but I don't remember setting it up, and it's not something that I would actually do.

But anyway, I'll get to that in a moment. I also remember the backyard was small but well manicured. Almost like it was decorated with astroturf and plastic plants, nothing was out of place. Something that my garden would never be. It had a shed (near the missing fence) and a clothesline, but that was about it. I got the feeling that the front yard was a large gravel driveway and just as neatly manicured gardens out there too, though I don't actually remember "seeing" them. So I gathered that I was rather wealthy, but I am confused as to why I was home alone if I was that rich. Where was all my staff? And why were all my friends having a party without me?

I remember feeling like there was this great distance between me and everyone, that's probably why my house was on a hill/cliff, away from everyone, in a place I didn't know. Despite that, however, she was here within, what seemed like, a few minutes anyway. She let herself in and found me wandering around the... well, what we'd know as "back lobby". A large open room at the back of the house that looked out over the backyard and ocean view. I was scared to wander outside knowing that I wouldn't be able to see the drop before I fell, so I simply avoided it. It was also the only room that was sparsely furnished, so there was very little chance of me actually bumping into something.

I remember that I was pacing back and forth, trying to get my eyes to focus, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was on the verge of panic really, but I've had this fear for so long that even if I -did- wake up blind tomorrow (fingers crossed it never happens), I wouldn't be as completely lost I would hope. I know my way around in the dark when I'm half asleep, and I can avoid everything on my way to the bathroom, though living in completely darkness would still be hard. But it was this half-blind that I couldn't really understand. Why was I seeing the world only in black and white, why was it clouded over and not gone completely?

Soon as my Sis-in-law showed up things began to change though. I had to explain to her what I was (or wasn't) seeing, took her through my day trying to figure out what could have caused it... and we came up empty handed. She started wandering around and that's when we found the skunk. Like I said, I don't even remember doing it, though I feel like I had something to do with it. Wouldn't be like me to lock any wild animal in a room, especially for a whole weekend if I knew someone wasn't coming back for two or three days.

Then the weirdest thing happened, my Sis-in-law went to release the poor skunk, and inevitably got sprayed. Now, I live in Australia, so I have no idea what a skunk spray smells like, but I imagine from everything I've heard that it's god-awful. But as soon as my Sis-in-law got sprayed I noticed that my sight returned, clear as crystal, and completely in color. My sense of smell, however, went out almost immediately. I couldn't smell anything at all, not from her especially, but not even the scent of the garden. Even the breeze has the scent of everything it picks up along the way; flowers, dirt, leaves, people. But there was just instantaneously nothing to smell at all.

It really was the oddest thing, and I woke up that time trying to figure out what just happened. I passed out a little before sunset, and woke in complete darkness. My brain was trying to determine dream from reality, and I was almost afraid to let my eyes adjust to the slim light around me for fear that I had woken and was actually either color blind or completely blind. I think that those few moments were actually the scariest part really. That moment where I wasn't sure what was dream and what was reality. Although the latter soon asserted itself but I still had to double check... turning on all the lights, and constantly looking at colored things like my phone and my clothes pile.

Even now I'm almost afraid to go back to sleep for multiple reasons, but one of them because I don't want to fall into this dream once again... or wake and find that it's true.

[Ramble - Please Ignore] It hurts too much...

Repost from Tuesday, 14th August. 8:53pm

I am so sick of struggling. Of trying to live week to week, to make a life... And failing miserably at everything I put my mind too. It hurts too much, to be in such constant pain. Trying every moment of my life to do what's right, not for me, but for everyone else. To make their lives brighter and better and happier. Where is karma? Where is my happiness? My life? My love? I sacrifice EVERYTHING. My time, my effort, my money, my -life-. I have none. I have no reason to be here. I have every reason to be gone from this forsaken planet. This... Life. And yet I -chose- to remain, to help those I care about. It is MY choice to remain in this shell, barely existing despite my repeated urges to not. Hoping that if I just hold out for one more day, tomorrow will be better. And it ISN'T. It NEVER is. It grows WORSE with every breath I take. It grows harder to make the choice to not quit, to not give in, to not give up. To stay, when ever fiber of my being wants to abandon it all and go HOME. This is NOT where I belong. It never WAS and it NEVER will be. I've had enough. I can't do this any more. I am slowly dying. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Breath by struggling breath. Each living beat of my heart tears at me. Destroys another piece of my soul. takes it from me and renders it into immeasurable pieces that can never return to where they once belonged. It changes me. Take a part of who I am and completely destroys it. Til I am no longer the person I once was. I can never go back to being her, and some days that seems like a blessing, because I know that change is good. Change is great. Change is wonderful. It is the fact that these pieces can never be reformed, never be replaced, will never EVER be a part of me again. This is what hurts; the fact that once they are gone, there is nothing left to replace them. Bit by bit I am being destroyed. I am destroying myself. Because for all I give, I only get back a fraction in return. And still I give. Freely. Knowing what it does to me. Knowing that in the end there will be nothing left. And I don't care. I am beginning to welcome it. The sweet embrace of nothingness calls to me. Peace, and silence, and serenity. Nothing left. Nothing of me. Nothing to hurt, or feel sad, or feel angry. I want it. So much. Because I know there is no hope left for happiness. It is beyond my reach now. I have given it all away. Taken every last piece and gifted it to someone else. Never to be a part of me again. All I have left is the darkness. All I fear now is waking. To close my eyes and stop feeling this pain would be a gift. To open them again and begin to feel all over is a nightmare. My life should never have come to this. It was all supposed to be different. But I fucked it up. I fucked it up so badly and now I can't take it all back even if I wanted to. I've done this to myself. I know I have. I know it's for the best. That given my choices this is the lesser of all the evils. This pain is my choice too. I know that. But that doesn't make it any less unbearable. It doesn't make it easier a load to carry. It doesn't stop the pain and the longing for something different. It doesn't make me regret it, but it doesn't make me want to stop longing for ... for Home. For where I really DO belong. For where I really WANT to be. For WHO I want to be. For who I want to be with. This life... This consciousness... Doesn't seem worth saving any more. Doesn't feel like it's worth saving any more. I am running out of reasons to struggle so furiously against it. Except that I know to give in to it would mean that other would have to suffer. They would lose out after all is said and done. In order to have what I want, and need... Others would have to suffer. And I cannot do that. I cannot make that choice. I cannot go down that path, for there is NO hope at all. No love. No light. No life. Only death, and destruction. A lose of the last of who and what I am. Darkness. Sweet temptation, but utter obliteration. By another's hand. I don't... I -can't-. It calls to me so clearly, but I can't. I must suffer onwards. Step by step. Leaving pieces of myself behind for others to find. To claim. To change. To change them. That is the best I can hope for now. I know I am doomed. But perhaps I can help them even for a moment. A beat of my dying heart, to give theirs life. Love. Light. To guide them on their path, as I lose my way on mine. No footsteps left to guide them. No sounds left to call them. No love left to help them. Only guidance to find it within themselves, so that they may succeed where I have obviously failed.
Weird Dreams Ink
Graphic Arts, Web Design and hosting
http://weirddreamsink.com

[Rant] On Relationships and Life

This is a rant I started writing a week or two ago. I've been debating whether or not to post it due to the nature of the whole thing. But I guess, seeing as I have always maintained that I am open and honest with everyone, no matter the topic or question at hand, why should I even hesitate?

I'm not attention seeking, or looking for comments, questions or opinions on the matter, I'm just stating matter-of-factly who and how I am. If you don't like it, too bad. If you find you have questions then by all means ask away with an open-mind and I'll happily answer

--------------------------------

Hi, My name's Mea and I'm polyamorous. That means that I engage in "multiple LOVING or sexual relationships". Emphasis on the loving part. I have multiple 'partners', those being people that I love. Exactly how they are. And for what I can offer them, not the other way around. I enjoy talking to them, spending time with them, being with them.

A small part of that involves hugging, kissing, and other various activities that involve touching. Which is a major thing for me because I am also hephaptephobic. Also more commonly known as touch-phobic. I have a thing against people I don't know or trust touching me, even innocently. It takes a hell of a lot of getting to know someone before it gets to the stage where I will even let them hug me, let alone do anything else with me.

This applies online as much as it does offline. In my mind there is no difference. I do not behave any differently in text to what I would in someone's physical presence. I detest both thieves and liars, and thus I am neither myself. I do not lie, unless it cannot be helped, and even then I will only omit truths that would hurt the other person. Actually, come to think of it, even then if I'm questioned directly I will always tell the truth.

And that's why I feel the need to post this. The last couple of days have been irritating as hell. More than one person has taken my polyamory the wrong way, and it's just really a pet peeve of mine. I am not a 'slut' in any sense of the word. I do not 'sleep around' with multiple partners, physically or online, and I won't be with just anyone.

The people that I am with I genuinely love. I care about them, and want to take care of them, as if they were the only one I was with. I don't love one over another, treat one differently to another, or use one and then move on to another.

And that's a point I feel I need to emphasize. I am not cheating on anyone I am with, they are all aware that there are others, they come into a relationship fully aware of that fact. Nor am I using anyone I am with; they come to me, we talk, get to know one another, get along so well that we mutually decide to be in this relationship. I love them and they love me.

I have never left anyone I have ever been with. They have always walked away from me, and for the most part it's mutual.

There is a saying I understand all too well, and seems more than fitting for this. "There are people that come into your life for a reason... For a season.. And for a lifetime." Some of my ex-partners have been reasons. They come for a short time, being in their life (or them being in mine) is for a reason. And once that time has come and gone they move on. I understand, I have no qualms with it, and I accept it. I learn and I move on.

There are some that stick around for a season. That is a longer period of time where we both need each other, enjoy each other's company, and don't feel the need to leave any time soon. Often these people simply slip from 'partner' to friend, and sometimes in to oblivion. Gone but never forgotten.

Rarely do I ever find a lifetime. So rarely that I must honestly say that I can only think of one single person I would put into this category. My girlfriend. I have known her for over a decade now. I have been through all the highs and lows of a relationship with her. I have been her best friend, her worst enemy, her greatest supporter, and have never once lost her. She has been offline for months, not a word able to be gotten to me even to let me know she is alright. And still she has eventually come back, and it's as if she had never left. She is my heart and soul, and I know she will always be so to me.

This does not mean that there is no room for any other in my life. But I do not actively go looking for them. I am simply open to what may or may not be as life puts opportunities before me.

I spent all of my high school years single and alone, by choice. I was never attracted to anyone I knew, and those I was attracted to... I didn't really have the guts to "talk" to. Looking back on it I understand why, but at the time I didn't know and I blamed myself, my size, my looks, my personality, everything. I felt, quite plainly, like I wasn't worth anyone's time and effort. That I would never be so, and that I would be alone forever.

I was, and mostly still am, incredibly shy. I don't do well with people due to my touchphobia. The very idea of someone I don't know touching me, even briefly, sends shivers down my spine. I'm also somewhat germphobic, which is why I often rage on Twitter about the stupid 'sheeple' who brush past me or step right out in front of me uncaringly.

This is something I didn't come to understand until I'd left University. And it's something I struggle with every day. It's also something that affects me online as well. I don't like the idea of even cyber-hugging someone I just met. As a fur, in a world where hugging is the primary way of saying hello to everyone, it's frustrating beyond words. But I am reasonable and won't have a go at anyone until after they've been warned at least a couple of times. It's easy to forget and I understand that.

Some people just need to remember it's NOT personal, and it's NOT a choice I make. It's part of who and how I am. I cannot change it as much as I could change my OCD or the color of my skin. It's a subconscious thought process that occurs before my brain has even thought about it and though I can struggle against my verbal response to it, I cannot change the physical one.

There are many people out there that have the same reaction, it's a survival instinct: don't let a potential enemy get close enough to damage you. But most people are able to repress it. I am not most people, that's all. I prefer people to simply ask first. Ask if you can hug me, ask if it's okay seeing as I don't know you, or even if you do know me ask anyway to be certain. It's a good thing to do with anyone you don't (or barely) know.

Too many people in this world forget that love comes in many forms, as does friendliness. Just because I don't like being touched by strangers doesn't mean I am not touchable at all. Doesn't mean I'm not friendly. Doesn't mean I'm not open to getting to know you before I call you my friend. Or that I'm not willing to take it further if I like you, get to feel something for you, find a reason to be in a relationship with you. For a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

If you can't even begin to fathom all that... Well then... I don't think I even want to try to get to know you. Plain and simple.
Weird Dreams Ink
Graphic Arts, Web Design and hosting
http://weirddreamsink.com

How do you relax?

I don't? What is this re-laaaaa-x you speak of? >.>

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What is your favourite skittle colour ?

I'd like to say red, but I'm pretty allergic to them. I actually really like the blueberry/lemonade mixed skittles. Could just about eat them endlessly.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Imagine you are doing work to help millions of lives but then an authority figure tells you that "We need people like you but we cannot allow you to continue your work" but that money and laws are not the problem. What then is the problem?

That Superheros are required, by comic book laws, to wear their underpants on the outside. This is a look that I, alone, have been trying to change. Unfortunately I am not a Bruce Wayne by any means, and Tony Stark wont return my calls, so I'm on my own redesigning my suit. :/

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Trailer Wars: Mirror, Mirror vs Snow White and the Huntsman :: Sticky Trigger Entertainment

Trailer Wars: Mirror, Mirror vs Snow White and the Huntsman :: Sticky Trigger Entertainment

Very well written review by Tutts. I hadn't heard of Snow White and the Huntsman before, but after reading that review and seeing the trailer... and DESPITE Swanson being in it, I'm actually interested in seeing that when it comes out. Hope to see some reviews after you've seen more than just the trailer.

Are you the life of the party?

Hardly, I'm more of a wallflower/guardian type.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Do you remember your dreams?

Actually, for the most part yes. I tend to have very strong and vivid dreams, and if there's something that needs to be remembered it's almost guaranteed I'll wake up remembering it. If not, it usually comes back to me before the ened of the day, or when it's needed most.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

[NSFW] OMG, semi-intelligent SpamBot. I couldn't resist.

WARNING: There are some very bad words that I shouldn't have used, and wouldn't have it was a REAL person... probably... but it's a spambot, so that makes it okay. I couldn't resist the amusement. I know trolling spambots is beginner stuff, but it had ME giggling like crazy, and that's all I care about. =D



gustyhazlewood926: hey I'm back...
MeaKitty: erm
gustyhazlewood926: Hi how are you today?
MeaKitty: i'm fine
gustyhazlewood926: I'm really bored, what are you up to?
MeaKitty: nothing
gustyhazlewood926: Have a good day?
MeaKitty: Wasn't too bad
gustyhazlewood926: Mine was great, i got a new laptop and im on it right meow tryin to set up my webcam ;)
MeaKitty: good for you
gustyhazlewood926: good thanks... :)
MeaKitty: oh, an intelligent bot?
gustyhazlewood926: you're a bot!
MeaKitty: Oh this will be fun
gustyhazlewood926: Would ya care 2 vid chat>
MeaKitty: Only if I can show you my penis and not my hairy buttcrack. Is that alright?
gustyhazlewood926: yeah i can be a tease ;)
MeaKitty: Oh, good. I like teases. Just one question, do you have a penis too? Because I'm not sure I go for vaginamonsters. They sort of freak me out.
gustyhazlewood926: I'm usually pretty shy, but a festish of mine is to be watched on web cam...
MeaKitty: Will you stroke it for me?
gustyhazlewood926: hot! stroke it!!
MeaKitty: Huzzah! Got toys?
gustyhazlewood926: Do you have a favorite color?
MeaKitty: Green
gustyhazlewood926: Reason that i ask you is bc I just recieved a handful of new undies for my bday so I wanted to model a cute pair of them 4 you ;)
MeaKitty: Will they show off your dick?
gustyhazlewood926: yeah i can be a tease ;)
MeaKitty: Oh goodie. But about the toys... I really want to fuck your butt with a dildo while we rub cocks together, okay?
gustyhazlewood926: dont need one when u have ur cock in me ;) but if u do want to see me play with one i do have one lolz!!
MeaKitty: Well I don't want my cock in you. That sounds kinda dirty. I'd rather we just touched. You play with mine, I play with yours?
gustyhazlewood926: dirty can be good ;)
MeaKitty: But dirty is unclean. :/
MeaKitty: I'd have to shower before and after.
gustyhazlewood926: I love to show off :)
MeaKitty: What about IN the shower? Then I wouldn't feel so germy.
gustyhazlewood926: yeah i can be a tease ;)
MeaKitty: Awesome. Okay, let me go get set up. Just log on to www.hairybastardisyourbitch.com and sign up for me darling. I'll go get my hairy chest soaped right up for you. Let me know so I can turn on the cam, okay? ;)
gustyhazlewood926: I'll show u
MeaKitty: I'm turning on the shower now darling. Got out of my 3 day old sweatpants and made sure I wiped my hairy armpits on my shirt before I threw that over the keyboard. It should keep it dry while you play with me. I assume you wanna watch me wobble into the shower, right?
gustyhazlewood926: yeah i can be a tease ;)
MeaKitty:  Alright, I think I'm ready, and kinda hard. I'm not sure, I can't see my dick over my belly. You'll have to log on to that site and tell me. Did you sign up? What's your username?
gustyhazlewood926: show me your dick ;)
MeaKitty: I already said I will, but you have to be in my chatroom. www.hairybastardisyourbitch.com Just log on and say hi and I'll turn the cam on for you.
gustyhazlewood926: mmm
MeaKitty: Did you sign up? What's your username?
gustyhazlewood926: Ya I think im just gonna do this cute littie black thong if that is ok with you? Its really small tho...
MeaKitty: Will it fit over your balls? Because there's nothing I like more then a pair of testes hanging out a wet thong.
gustyhazlewood926: mhhm nice and wet lol
MeaKitty: Yeah, that's why you need to get in the shower with me and show me
MeaKitty: Did you sign up? What's your username?
gustyhazlewood926: I love to show off :)
gustyhazlewood926: Wow, I just squeezed them on and they are barely fitting - Not sure if i'll be aloud to return them considering the state i am in right now ;)
MeaKitty: Are you dripping pre? Because I think I am. Either that or I peed a little in my excitement. Either way works.
gustyhazlewood926: mmm
MeaKitty:  Hurry up, I want you to touch my peepee. I'm so ready for your big strong masculine hands all over my squishy sweaty body.
gustyhazlewood926:  ;)
MeaKitty: Oh... I... uh... well... this... this is embarrassing.... oh my.... uh....
gustyhazlewood926: come n get it www.tiny.cc/eangbw
MeaKitty: I... well... I can't... I just came. I'm sorry. I... just... this hasn't happened before. I'm so embarrassed. I just... was thinking of stroking your dick and... mine just came without even having to touch myself.
gustyhazlewood926: feed me ur dick ;)
MeaKitty: I can't. I'm all droopy again. I'm sorry. I just.... all down my leg... although again, that might be urine, I'm not sure.
gustyhazlewood926: Okay let me login to my webcam (i think its working) and ill get us setup for a 1on1 cam
MeaKitty: Oh, but I can't. I'm too embarrassed now. But... I'll watch, maybe I'll get hard again. Though... I'm not usually good for two rounds. Doctor says it's because I sit at the computer all day with the tower too close to my balls. :/ But there's not enough room here in my Mom's basement.
gustyhazlewood926: come n get it [link removed]
MeaKitty: get what?
gustyhazlewood926: ok go to:  [link removed]  and click join (the yellow button)  and tell me when you are in, and ill send u myy priv username - or you might already have one... you seem like you might of done thing before ;)
MeaKitty: I can't. I gotta go, my Mom's yelling at me for wasting the water. And I need to clean up my legs. Maybe later, give me... I don't know... 24 or 48 hours to recover. I haven't come this hard in so long. I'll talk to you then, and we can discuss rubbing dicks properly. Oh, I think it twitched. Or just spasmed from over use. I'm not sure. But anyway, bye sexy. Kisskiss and all that. Think of me when you cum!

PostCon Depression. How do you deal with them? How do you get through it??

I wouldn't even know. Our local con/s aren't big enough and last time I went I knew a few people who I talked with for ages afterwards. It's just like a giant furmeet to me. :/

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Am I the only one that fantasizes about all the naughty things I would do in class if everything froze but you ? :PPP

Uh... Yes. I believe you are. :/

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Have you ever had feelings for Spike Shadow Fang?

Yes, friendship feelings, otherwise I wouldn't have let him stay with me. He can be a really good friend when he wants/needs to be, even though he stretches himself thin at times trying to help everyone.

If you mean romantic feelings, then no. Not at all. Not even once.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Do you have a livejournal account ? if yes what is it ? and you can add me there ! http://starskybunny.livejournal.com

Nope, not livejournal. Hate the site. Have a blogger account for years, barely use it.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

If given the opportunity, would you perform as a magicians assistant and, if so, what illusion/trick would you most like to assist in?

Screw being the assistant. I wanna be the Magician. The amount of magic-related "crap" my Mum bought me as a child. Only problem is that now I'm an adult I believe in different magic, and illusions have lost their whimsy. Thanks Chris Angel, you really are a douchebag

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Advice from one member to another....

I wrote this originally intended for the members of the Two Awesome Gamer's Server on Minecraft, but you know what... this applies to ANY minecraft server... any Game server for any game. These principles apply to anywhere and everywhere you go. And I feel the need to educate the uneducated... if only for a moment.

---

Dear TAG Community Members

Advice from one member to another....

I've been on this server since day one, not because I'm uber special friends with J3za and Whitelite, but because I was, am and always will be a fan of their work. Not just in Skyblock; which myself, Myrgon, VynaNyx and SpikeShadowfang tried for ourselves one day and failed so hardcore it was beyond laughably pathetic (and thus gave us a new perspective on exactly how hard it has been for TAG to create that entire series, and still keep at it because each and everyone one of YOU have enjoyed it - I'm sure there has been more than a few moments where they've probably wanted to pack the whole thing in and give up, but have kept going because of their fans comments and praise for their awesome work); but because they are great people, with interesting ideas, who work hard to learn how to play the game and still have tremendous fun with it.

And when they said that they were turning their server into an area for all of us fans to hang out in I jumped at the chance, lucky enough to be accepted and to have been given the chance to show I can be a responsible player from the beginning, they granted me the ability to play in their arena... and I've applied myself to being a contributing member of the server ever since.

The TAG Community Server, which some of you may not be white-listed on -yet-, is a wonderful place to play Minecraft with like-minded fans of both the game and the Two Awesome Gamers. However, there are some of you, and I will not name names because it's not necessary (each of us have our moments at all of this)... who simply don't know when to grow up and act their age, and stop being children about certain things.

Firstly... The server is not there for your personal pleasure, you are not there to have anything and everything you want handed to you on a silver platter, and you're not there to meet and greet J3za and Whitelite. You're there to play minecraft, make friends, and HAVE FUN. In the last few months, I have barely seen any of this happen like it should, and I feel the need to take a moment to write this too you, white-listed or not. Pay attention please.

On the whole most of us get along well; we do not grief, we do not insult, we do not play petulant little mind games. We're happy to help one another, be it gathering supplies, building epic cities, or just running around like nerds making jokes at one another. We're not here to PVP, to beg, to steal, to lie, to cheat. We're mature adults. We behave like it. Most of us do anyway. Some people recently have proven that they're beyond incapable of it, and subsequently have lost their privileges (you heard me, they are privleges, not RIGHTS, use a dictionary if you're not sure of the difference), and phooey to them. You upset others that's what you get, you agreed to the terms when you applied, just like everyone else did.

We're not here to pick sides, there is no us against everyone else, we are a community. The -whole- server is a community, and although we have drawn lines in the sands with Towny, we're not all at war with each other. Individual vs Individual, town vs town, or nation vs nation... none of it exists on the TAG Community Server.

That said, you should also note that just because you're new does not mean we're going to welcome you with open arms (less so after the last few people who have been kickbanned because of the mess they created during their time with us), nor does it grant you automatic privleges once you first log in. We're happy to help new people find a footing and build a place, but we're not all going to jump to give you everything you -want- when you start, and probably wont ever unless you prove that you deserve it. We don't know you, J3za and Whitelite do not know you, and you haven't done anything to earn respect, trust or friendship just because you're one of the few who can now log in because your username was placed on a list. All that shows is that your application was good enough that they're giving you a chance.

Also, people who also jump up and down when the server goes down irritate the heck out of me too. Server management is more than just 'make a payment, play minecraft, ???, profit". For a start, there IS no profit in this. From a business stand point it's a sinking ship, money spend is greater then income earned. J3za and Whitelite empty their pockets once a month so that we can all hang out together. They try to find ways to make enough to cover the costs, so that you don't HAVE to pay, and if you don't like that system either then walk away. They're doing the right thing by us, so at least think about doing the right thing by them. Have patience... because Servers crash, plugins don't work, things clash, ISPs go out... unless you've actually ever hosted a server you won't understand how much work it can actually be. Cloudcube have, for the most part, helped us out a lot. But even then there is a lot that is out of their control, just like it is out of J3za and Whitelite's control. Things happen... deal with it.

Speaking of which, this leads into my biggest pet peeve... J3za and Whitelite OWN the server... they pay for it's hosting, they deal with all that comes with that. This is THEIR space and YOU are the visitor. They have assistants, people who have proven worthy enough to be granted permissions above and beyond an average community member... you are not one of them. You don't pay for it, you don't fix it when it crashes, you don't have to deal with the backlash of a hundred angry members when things don't work out and no-one can get on. You come in, you build, you chat, you dig, you play, you have ALL of the fun... but they put in ALL of the hard work so that you CAN, often giving up their own time to do so. People who cannot understand that... frustrate me enough to write posts like this.

If you don't like the server issues, go somewhere else and play. No one is making you stay on the Two Awesome Gamer's server, there is nothing holding you there, keeping you hostage... you don't like it, then find somewhere you can play by rules you do like. I personally love playing on the TAG server, I actually haven't found any other server that I am more happy and enthusiastic about playing on, and I live with the outages because I understand that sometimes it happens, just like sometimes it doesn't. It's frustrating as hell, but it's part of playing the game. If you don't want any down time then play single player on your local machine. That's pretty much your only option. All servers go out sometimes. This is just a fact of life.

If you're lucky enough to get white-listed next round, just... have some respect, have some patience, stop jumping up and down yelling at everyone to be noticed. We'll happily welcome you, we'll happily help you... one day we'll even call you a friend we hope. But attention seekers, griefers, and over zealous idiots just drag the fun level down to zero for all of us. We're all on equal footing here; we like TAG, we love Jeza and Whitelite's work, we enjoy each other's company, we like playing minecraft... treat us like such, show us that you share that interest, and we'll get along easily enough.

Signed

Mea "The Frustrated" Kitty

[Rant] Art Issues

You know what it is? I struggled for YEARS to get my art to what -I- thought was an acceptable quality so as to open for commissions. I've done an entire University degree in art, that includes at least 2, maybe 3, semesters (half years) of Life Drawing. I'm 30 and I've been drawing pretty much -every- day of my life since I was old enough to hold a pencil and apply it to paper, in an attempt to get better at it.

And I still can't get commissions. For that matter I can't even get more than a handful of faves on my work. And I can guarantee those who DO fave my art, I can name because they're my friends.

I am suppose to be better than this, half the greatest artists in the world were dead, or close to it, by my age.

So remind me again why I bother doing this? I'm not good, I never will be, I shouldn't bother.

/endrant
Weird Dreams Ink
Graphic Arts, Web Design and hosting
http://weirddreamsink.com

[Dream] - Ultra-Weirdness

So I had this dream last night where I was at my parent's place, obviously Christmas night or something. We put "the kid" to bed (I assumed that was my niece) and just sat around in the lounge room chatting and stuff. My Dad fell asleep in his chair, as usual, and I believe that my brother must have gone to bed or something, because it was just us girls (Mum, my sis-in-law and me) still awake.

[Edit: or now that I think about it maybe my Bro, Sis and niece weren't there/were in bed/had gone home, and the other person was my s/o at the time. I'm not sure now. Just that there was a 3rd person in the room with us]

Next minute Dad wakes up and jumps out of his chair and climbs over Mum to get something from behind the couch, either a baseball bat or a lump of 2x4 wood or something. Mum asks him what's going on and he states, matter-of-factly, "there's an intruder in the house" then runs off into his bedroom. We all freak out a little, but none of us heard anything, so we assume he just had a dream and he's confused.

I followed him into the bedroom, where funnily enough all our christmas presents from that morning were stashed (a handful of game consoles such as my xBox and a new PS3 I got given, plus my bro + sis' consoles), and... There's nothing there. The window's closed, but not locked, and the curtains are fluttering a little oddly. But there's no one in there.

So we tried to reassure him that he was only dreaming it and to sit back down or go to bed... when the kid wakes up and freaks out, starts crying. Mum (who's usually the first to molly coddle a kid) tells me to just ignore it and leave [her] be, [she] will just go back to sleep in a minute. So I watched from the lounge room as the kid (about 2 years old I'd guess, sleeping on a short lounge/spare bed) crawls out and comes running straight to me. It's a little boy, and he's treating me like I'm his Mum.

Weird think is he was babbling about what we assumed to be a bad dream, but I managed to decipher he was actually trying to say someone is/was in his room. I hand him to Gramma (which he could actually call her coherently), and go to investigate while Dad and my brother go searching in the dark outside. Turns out there's no one in the kid's room, but there's evidence someone was in my parent's room...

An extra console. Turns out whoever broke in was going to replace their shitty xBox with mine, and in his/her haste to get out, left it behind. Hahaha. Sucks to be you, burglar. That's what you get.

We locked all the windows and double checked them, before going back into the lounge room. The kid made grabby motions at me soon as he saw me and kept squirming til Gramma gave him to me. I woke up soon after this.

Just complete weirdness as far as I'm concerned. I don't have a kid, and aren't having one anytime soon/ever as far as I'm aware. Who knows.

Although now it's all written down, it's a lot less weird then the 2 "Golden Girls" reunion special dreams I've had in the last 3 days. >_>
Weird Dreams Ink
Graphic Arts, Web Design and hosting
http://weirddreamsink.com

[Challenge Accepted] Episode 4: Terraforming (Part 2)

That's right, one yesterday and one today. Yay me, for getting back on track (Yeah, right. XD Like that ever happens, Mea). Going to work on Ep 5 as well. ZOMG. And yes, me and Vyna will be playing some more of this soon enough, we're running low of footage to edit, so if you have any challenges for us feel free to suggest away.

Check out http://CA.WeirdDreamsInk.com for more information, all the credits and thank yous, the challenge list, and all sorts of cool stuff.

VynaNyx's Point of View can be found here: http://youtu.be/qDzeB6uoMcI
And you can follow her on twitter @stainedsorrows

Minecraft is owned by Mojang: http://www.minecraft.net

[Challenge Accepted] Episode 3: Terraforming (Part 1)

Okay, so it's more derp then terraforming right now, but seeing as we "completed" the first few challenges it's time to get down to serious business now. Beginning our shelter requires trees and farm land and a place away from the evil mobs. We'll get there.... eventually.

Check out http://CA.WeirdDreamsInk.com for more information, all the credits and thank yous, the challenge list, and all sorts of cool stuff. Spent all yesterday updating it for y'all. =D

VynaNyx's Point of View can be found here: http://youtu.be/hNwpMERLrcQ

And you can follow her on twitter @stainedsorrows

Minecraft is owned by Mojang: http://www.minecraft.net

Lamest Spam EVER

""Greetings,

How are you doing today? I hope fine. I have been working so hard to see you get your funds without paying any money and thanks be to God now that all is now set for your fund to be released directly into your nominated bank account and I have taken care of all the charges required to complete this transaction. I also want you to know that I have processed and procured the documents that present's you as the legitimate Beneficiary of your fund.

I was at the bank to get approval for your transfer and your funds are now ready to be transferred, All that needs to be done now is for you to contact with consultant that will assist you have the funds transferred directly into your account. I want you to get back to me urgently so that I can provide you with the details and further instructions. Kindly click on the link below or copy and paste the link below to your browser then login with your email address and password to access your funds.

[Link Removed]

Immediately you get in contact with them please keep me infromed. Thank you and God be with you.

Regards,
Dr. Elizabeth""

Really 'Doctor Elizabeth'? Why is a Doctor in charge of 'my funds'? How much am I getting? Why have I never hear of this before? Why did it get immediately marked as spam?

I'm not clicking the link to find out, and certainly not giving you my email address let alone the password to it. You don't even have a last name. You can't be trusted not to hack into my email account Ms Elizabeth.
Weird Dreams Ink
Graphic Arts, Web Design and hosting
http://weirddreamsink.com

[Ramble] I feel like writing...

...though I have no idea what about. So my blog gets a ramble I guess. That's ultimately what it's designed for anyway, so I guess no one should be too surprised here. So, with that's said, let's talk about my dream. Not to analyze it mind you. Just because I think it's a fucking hilarious concept but I swear this really happened not even 2 hours ago.

So, I don't actually remember anything visual about my dream for certain, or at least I'm not sure that what I -can- remember isn't just based on my after-thoughts twisting it in retrospect. And thus I shant even hazard a guess as to what is truth and what is reality in that regard. However, what I do remember about said dream is probably the more important part anyway.

I dreamed in Russian.

That's right, as far as I'm aware the whole thing from beginning to end was in a completely different language I don't even know. Although, to be completely honest all I really remember is that it had Russian subtitles, and they weren't speaking English. It might have been Japanese subbed in Russian, I can't be certain now, but I definitely had Russian subtitles.

And I woke up thinking in Russian, at least... Until I swore physically and in someone's chat window (it was the first writing implement available to hand, sorry to he who got that randomly), and then it was like the English centre of my brain woke up too and went "oh fuck yeah, that's right, we don't know Russian right? You need me awake now? Okay."

In the aftermath I -thought- that my dream involved snow and arctic jackets and left over nuclear test sites of old abandoned multi-level slum buildings (my head is very cliché at the best of times), but again that could have just been the subtitles confusing the dream upon waking.

Either way I'm not sure if I should be proud that my subconscious has learned another language without me (probably form tv/movies, particularly DayWatch/NightWatch XD ), or worried that it just thinks it can and decided to confuse me about the issue. Why dream in two foreign languages? And why Russian of all things? I learned German for 4 years strain and we never use that! Why couldn't you have put all that to practical use, brain?

Although I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised, my head is full of all sorts of weird and often useless crap that shows itself at the most random and inappropriate of times. I just wish that sometimes it wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it from my grasp. Perhaps the dream was important in some way, but the truth of it will be lost to the depths of my imagination, thanks to the alarm clock.

Damn you alarm.
Sent from my mobile