Last question, what's your favorite potato related video game and i think someone's wants you to follow them but you need to follow me first so you can see them.

That's a question and a statement, and it's completely grammatically incorrect. D=

Doesn't Mr Potato Head have his own video gam--*pffffffffst* Aperture Science would like to inform you that this answer is no longer available. Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test. Thank you for participating in that Aperture Science Enrichment activity. Goodbye!

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Jesus, we are just on a roll. how do we get time to answer all these questions, and how *wink* could *wink* i *wink* get *wink* someone *wink* to follow *wink* me on *wink* twitter?

Uhm, just pay @hyp3rstrike some more... uhm... "money", and he'll do it for you. That's how I found you. =D

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What do you find attractive in a potato?

Hmm, it's the eyes. They're the window to the soul. Always such a turn on.

Oh, but I get turned off when they become tentacles. That's a whole 'nother bowl of potato salad right there that is.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

do you ever think ill get 80 followers?

...I have no idea. I don't even think -I- have 80 followers. I mean, I do according to my twitter count, and I remove the inactive bots regularly, but I don't think that there are 80 people that I can say I -know- follow me. However, the ones that do follow me, I consider awesome friends. And I'm happy to share my life with them, good or bad, as long as they're interested in hearing about it. That's what SOCIAL networking is all about. It goes both ways.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Were you a robot in a pass life?

Never, I don't pass up on life, that's just silly. I hoarde them for when I die and need to respawn. Also when I need rez' and no one's around. They come in handy then too. Never pass on an extra life.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

How do potatoes have sex?

In the eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeye...o.<;

Or like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIbI4YopRoc

Play

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Would you rather have your potatoes mashed or baked?

Oh, that's a hard choice. Mashed with cheese, or baked. I had baked potatoes for lunch today. Seeing as I am a potato, I guess that makes me a cannibal... potatobal? Who cares! They were delicious. Nomnomnom.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

If you got $1million what would be the first thing you would spend it on?

Paying off my debts (bank, bills, etc), paying friends and family back for all the money they've loaned me and all the things they've done for me, then investing. I'd take my time finding the right house to live in and then I'd furnish it bit by bit. But I'd take my time with that.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

I hate it when...

...I get so attracted to a guy not for looks, or honestly personality, but for his soul. To close my eyes and feel it call to mine, to get lost in dreams of what might be... Only to open them and find the reality of what won't.

I had it with my Ex, that connection that went beyond simply loving him, but actually existing simply for him... Because of him. I never felt alive until I was in his embrace, and I've felt mostly dead ever since. Its the worst feeling in the world.

And now I find that I have that same feeling all over again with someone new, but I -know- without a doubt, that he would never hurt me the way my Ex did on purpose. Not intentionally anyway. I know that he will though. One day he will leave, I'm sure of it... And I won't be able to live any more. If I give myself to him, like I so badly want to do, he will leave and he will take the last piece of me I have left. And then there will be nothing. And I won't be able to handle that.

So I hold back, and I know I do it even if he doesn't, and I hate myself for it. He's the one person I don't want to do that with. Everyone else knows a part but I want him to know -all- but then I'm afraid I will push him away like I did my Ex. And that would kill me too. So I don't know what to do. It's a rock and a hard place as far as I'm concerned.

I don't want to feel like this, I want to be able to let him know, to let him feel, to let him experience it... Because if there is only one person in this world who deserves it, it's him. But experience has taught me that I shouldn't. Shouldn't feel this way. Shouldn't want this so bad. That I shouldn't fear it, and yet I do.

Because I don't know if he is mine or not. Don't know if my judgment is clouded because I'm holding back, or if I'm holding back because of my fear. Usually I know without a doubt... People come and go, take a piece of me, learn and little, love a little, and go again. I don't want him to go. I don't want to have him and then lose him. Not for a single moment. But I fear I will. I inevitably will. And I will die.

So do I give myself to this one soul, or do I hold back and regret my choice but love others... Not much of a choice is it? I think my mind's already made up, except for when I think about it too much. Then I start understanding my fear too much. Doesn't make it any less real, or any less easy to deal with. It just makes it make more sense.

And the more I think about it the more I see all these things that... I dunno, just... Make my love stronger and more real too. But I start to wonder if it's real or all in my mind. I think I'm just crazy, that I'm so lost I don't know where I am. And then I start to doubt myself, my feelings, my thoughts. And because I am so confused I start thinking this is real. Argh!

I hate this feeling. This roundabout confusion. It makes no sense to me in any way, and yet it does, but it doesn't and ~headdesks~ How can I be so sure and so confused at the same time?! I have -never- evereverevereverever in my whole life experienced that. I have -always- known my place, where I have stood, and what I am supposed to do. I don't get that here. There is nothing but darkness and uncertainty... And promise. And promises have never sat well with me. I have kept all those I have sworn to others... For the most part. But the ones that have been made to me, and tied to my soul... Have always been broken.

Broken promises, broken bonds, broken soul... Broken ME. I fear that. To know what I will become if I get broken again...

Goddess this is so stupid, because that's just what my fucking head says. It has nothing to do with my Heart. There is not a single doubt there, its only my head that says this won't work. That is can never be. That I'm rushing things. That it's a too soon, must keep the walls up, must not let it out, must take it slow, must not plot and plan and scheme... Must not dare to dream... Because all your dreams inevitably become nightmares. In your head and in your heart, in the darkness of your soul where the true you really resides. Beyond the fake shell you exist in, where you truly belong.

But I don't. That's a part of me, yes. But its not all I am. Never was and never will be. But it's there, it exists, and it will always ebb and flow like a tide. I know that, but can I hold to it? Can I really maybe find a balance or have I just... I don't know, smacked my head one too many times. Maybe I'm just crazy and this is just... All too much to be thinking about. I don't even know if I'm still making any sense. I guess he'll tell me when he reads this.

And probably think I'm crazy. Maybe even run away. XD I feel like I should. So stupid, Mea. Getting a little carried away, aren't you? You don't even know how he really feels about you. I know you love me, don't get me wrong, but I'm just...

There is no way that I can explain this to your face. Even in text. This crazy mass of thoughts and feelings. Because I have never felt this way about anyone else before. YOU are unlike anyone I have ever known before. And it confuses me as much as it makes me love you all that much more. And I know you won't judge me for any of this, but I'm judging myself. Worse than ever before.

I have felt this way about you since the moment I found you, and I didn't know how to explain it then and I still don't know that I can explain it to you now. How much I love you, just the way you are. Because you are who you are and how you are. It goes beyond simply being able to say "oh, we have this, this and this in common and we both like these things". This is... The most irrational feeling I have ever had. And yet it's the best one too.

It makes no sense and yet it makes perfect sense. And this is what I'm terrified of. That how I feel... That you don't feel the same way. That you couldn't. That it's just me. That it's just a stupid pointless feeling. That... I don't know. Too much, too soon? Too wrong? ~rolls around~ Eh, I usually get carried away imagining what might be, I usually have so little to live for I revel in it when I have it before my stupíd brain kicks in and tells me to quit it.

This is different. ~looks at you~ with you it's different. I want it all, but I'm also happy with nothing. With just... knowing you. ~cries silently~ Just knowing that you're there, and that you're you. I don't ever want to lose you... But more importantly I don't want the -world- to lose you. That's why I worry about you so much. I don't ever want you to change. To be any different than you really are. Cuz I see it. And I love it. And even if the world never acknowledges it, you're important. I can't... Can't explain how or why, I just know that you are.

And I want to be a part of that.

If you'll let me. If you want me. No matter what. Feel free to tell me I'm being stupid, that the way I feel is irrational, that... I don't know. Slap me if you feel like it. I don't want to go anywhere, no matter what. Even if you absolutely reject me for all this nonsense... But I don't believe you will.

I. Love. You. <3 More than I can explain. In words anyway. I just wish you were here, so I could let you feel my heart beat, and know for sure you know how I feel. Because I wouldn't have to try and put it into words that can never explain how completely I feel about you. <3
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus

This is why I need to redye my hair blonde....

....because I -have- to stop thinking.

"It's times like these that I just want to curl up and cry for all I'm worth, over all that I have become. The things that should have been, the things that could have been, the things that never will be. To weep for the life that I have lost, the chances missed, the love that's gone. The opportunities that will never, ever, be... because I have changed the course of my own destiny, and am doomed to my Eternal Fate.

Nothing that I do or say can bring it back, and I am lost in a sea of uncertainty, never knowing what will come next, but seeing all the things that might be. Never able to grasp a single one before I see all the choices, and make my decisions, and before I understand what I have truly done... it is taken from me... before it is gone, and never to be again.

What I think I have, I don't.

What I want, I can't.

And what I do, I do not appreciate as much as I should... because of the darkness in my heart.

These things I know, these things I understand... these things tear me apart, inside and out... fear, loathing, chaos, pain... these are all that I will become... I have no control for it -is- what is meant to be. What -I- am meant to be. I feel it in my very soul. I hate it, but I cannot change it. For to change it is to lose something more dear to me. Sacrifice myself, or live a lie, or watch it all turn to dust. This choice is painful, but my mind is still made up. And so I suffer through it, knowing that it makes it worth it in the end.

Whenever that may be.

But knowing, without a doubt, does not bring Faith. It is Faith that I do not have. In myself. In my choices. In my decisions. Because I feel that... as much as they -are- my choices, to see the alternate options, to see the pain that it would bring to others... it's not a choice to me. To bear this weigh, alone, without help, without acknowledgement... without a moment's consideration for myself before committing to my actions... it's all I have.

Without it I am nothing, and I am no one. I am not -me-. And to not be me, is a fate worse then Oblivion."



Random thoughts... try not to read too much into it. kthxbai

~slinks back under the bed silently~

Taco or Saussage and meatballs?

Why can't I have both? XD

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What's your favorite kind of fruit?

I love pears, I'd eat them almost endlessly if they weren't so expensive at some times of the year when they're not in season.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

First off robots have gained control over the Earth and allow humans to live but as slaves. Next aliens find Earth and decide to wipe out all humans and robots. How do you think it will end?

I'm pretty sure that any aliens that decide to wipe us out will win in the end. I believe they're far more intelligent then us, which is why we've never had direct contact. If I was an alien I wouldn't want to touch a human, let alone occupy the same atmosphere as them. Humans, on the whole, are barabaric. Ands if they're intelligent enough for space travel, they're certainly texchnologically superior to any robots that we could make, even if they were intelligent enough to enslave humans.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What does your dream house look like?

A mish-mash of ideas and ideals... to me, just big. Big enough to fit all my friends and family in. Or at least big enough tat they all have their own room in case they wanna stay. They'd each get to design it, to make it, to paint it, to furnish it... to be happy doing so I'd hope. That's all I dream of.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Hmm, random question to you all, have you ever tried the lottery? :3 Not within the past few days, but at all in your life, cause we were all hopeful to get that big prize at one point :3

Yeah, several times. Usually after I've had a dream about winning it. I never have, and I doubt I ever will. :/

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Have you ever adopted a pet?

More so abandoned pets then actual shelter adoptions. Two of my cats were from friends who couldn't other homes for them, the third was a stray who wandered into my yard looking lost and confused. Also my rats couldn't find a better home, so I took them in as well. Haven't regretted it for a moment since. I love my pets and think more people should look at adopting. Abandoned pets are some of the friendliest out there, they just need love and attention and affection, like everyone else.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

whats your favorite cupcake?

I'm more a cookie kinda kitteh. >_>

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Taking into account the cosmological constant and its integration into grand thermodynamic theory, and how they interact with the concepts of the warping of space time and entropy, would you like some toast?

See previous answer to this question somewhere below in my formspring answers.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

With Facebook bringing in new changes a couple days ago, and planning more changes tonight, will you be going Google +

Tempted actually. I have far more to lose by moving but if facebook insist on being tossbags I'm sure eventually everyone will move over too.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

If you could change the universe in anyway possible what are the first five things you'd do?

Can I nuke it and start again? Seriously, at least let me nuke the earth and start that again. Then I'd repopulate it with animals and the chosen few survivors I hand picked. Then I'd make it pretty again. Then I'd make Pluto a planet again. Then I'd move the nearest alien colony nearer (after changing their alignment to friendly) and then I'd see how that goes. Humans have to stop being an arrogant cancer upon this planet. >_>

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What is the weirdest item you can think of that you could find at the bottom of a well?

I think if I was at the bottom of a well looking at stuff -I- would be the weirdest thing there. XD

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Online ads. Are any of them capable of grabbing your attention?

Not particularly. They're really just more annoying than anything. Especially flash/animated ones, and FaceBook "suggestions". Pfffft.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What flavor goes best with chocolate?

MORE CHOCOLATE, Duh. Or mint. OH, or Jaffa... like orange and chocolate. Or Caramel. I love caramel chocolate. OR Malt and chocolate with caramel inside like a Mars Bar. OHOHOH Crunchie, honeycomb and chocolate. Mmmm.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

I won't lie any more

I'm sitting here at work doing sweet f-all that takes no brain power so my mind is wandering. And I think I just worked something out: the reason I can't sleep is because that means waking up tomorrow. And the thought alone makes me sick.

What point is there to waking up tomorrow? So I can push myself to get to work, to do my stupid pointless job for 8 hours, then go home to... Absolutely nothing. I have no boyfriend/girlfriend there to greet me, not kids to welcome me, not even a housemate to holla at me any more. Just 3 cats who would be just as well off without me, 2 rats who don't really care about me, and a giant mess that is the sum of my life.

I haven't achieved anything, in 30 years I've only gotten about half as good at art as I wanted to be... Even less if I'm completely honest with myself. I -wanted- to draw for Disney, back when they were doing cell animation. Disney would -not- hire me based on my current portfolio. Hell, I can't even get -regular- people to hire me or buy my shit. That's how bad it is.

The one person I -want- to be with, for the rest of eternity, is trapped half a world away. And the one person I -could- have spend this life with turned out to be a major jerk-face. And for the first time in my life, I honestly can't see anyone filling that gap. I can't even fantasize about it anymore either. I can play pretend and imagine it, because I know the truth is that there is no one.

Someone once told me that I can't have a relationship with anyone because I'm always going to compare them to Her. That's partially true, but I've proved to myself that even if I -do-, I can still take someone as they are, and love them for who they are.

My problem is that I don't believe I'm worthy enough for anyone else to love me just how I am. I am a miserable failure. I have no future. Not in this world anyway. But I'm stuck here, aren't I. Can't go back, can't move forward, permanent limbo far as the eye can see.
I thought that I would be a Mother by the time I was 25. At least one kid, a husband who works, juggling my time between them, staying home looking after the kid and making art simply to pass the time. By 30, my current age, I should have been dropping them off at school, before returning home to spend the hours building websites for WDi as well as making random art. By 40... Geez, I can't even contemplate 40 right now. I don't honestly think I'm going to make it that far.

I don't think I -want- too. I can't even really consider tomorrow in my current frame of mind. It just hurts to much. To know that for the very first time in my life I close my eyes and I see -no- future for myself at -all-.

The logical part of myself tries to tell me I never could and that I just have to keep holding on and it will get better. A small part of me just chalks it up to me soul getting stronger - my dreams more then dreams, even when awake in the daylight hours. But it's the rest of me that says it's all pointless... That there is nothing and there never was. And that I am simply holding on to an existence that never should have been to begin with. But what's done cannot be undone. Not right now. Maybe not ever.

I must suffer through it, no matter the outcome.
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus

IF YOU MET YOURSELF THROUGH A TIME TRAVELING MISHAP WOULD YOU SEX YOURSELF?

hell no, I'm totally not my type. XD

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

If you could, would you travel to space?

I have no urge to die in a vacuous tomb, I think I'll pass.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

You, me, his office, 5 minutes, now?

o.o I didn't know you swung that way. >.>

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What's your favorite number?

7! Or 14! They're the answer to everything, despite what anyone else tells you.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

ANOTHER; energy drinks; what do you think of?

V! It makes time go crazy! Just ask Spike. And Mother. I have a thing for Mother lately. Mostly because work sells them cheap. But I love V by far. Get that in the biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig cans. <3

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

OTAY. hurrs ur questionz. UHM. why do you like cats?

I don't know. I've always just preferred them over dogs. They're smart, they're independent, they're loving and affectionate, they're protective. And I knew all of that before I realized that my 'sona was mostly kitty. ^_^;

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

It's Friday, Friday! Are you gonna get down on Friday? Cause everybody's looking forward tooo the weeeekeeeend. :D

Kill it. Kill it with fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire. BURN IT TIL THERE'S NOTHING LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFT

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

[Rant] I wish I was allowed...

...To stab myself in the arm. In the soft fleshy part up by my elbow here where it would do minimal long term damage (so to speak) but would hurt enough to let me stop just feeling sorry for myself. Not in a suicidal way, just in a "I feel like such a loser, I need a distraction" way.

Been thinking too much about too many stupid things, and I know I'm just looping around in circles out of boredom now. I -know- what the crux of today's problem is, and it actually -isnt- just my lack of funds to be able to go to AVcon this weekend. That's what started it, but that's not where I end(ed) up.

You see, the point of going to any convention is to have fun, hang with (like-minded) friends, and blow a bunch of cash on trivial things such a Con merch so that you can remember it for years to come. Despite my age I'm still of the mindset that could enjoy this type of activity... If only I could afford it. And if only I had friends.

Yes, I believe I am officially a friendless loser at last. Some people I know would be happy at this and say they saw it coming and probably dance til they dropped out of happiness. Don't believe me? Send me a PM and I'll send you some names.

Point is, I could go. I could afford one ticket, and I could go to that Con by myself, and hope that I run into some people I know, but that defeats the purpose. I have no one to hold my hand while we run around like idiot and cause as much havoc as possible.

And the stupid thing that gets to me... This is the story of my life. I sleep alone, I wake alone, I go to work alone, I work alone, I go home alone, and I crawl right back into my empty bed again. Rinse, repeat, ad nauseum. This is my whole life. And it is not worth living for.

No, really. Despite the love in my life, I have nothing and no one to hold my hand more than metaphorically. I am never going to see the look of joy on someone's face because they absolutely love seeing me. I am never going to be able to wake next to someone and watch them sleep, to see their eyes flutter open, to see that moment when they cross from dreams to reality, and see -me-. To watch that smile spread across they face and know that I am loved.

It is this one fundamental need that is driving me insane. Because it is the one thing that I absolutely need the most.

It is one thing to be told I am loved, by friends even halfway around the world, to know the truth of it. But it is a very different thing to -see- it for yourself, and to understand the truth of it. The whole truth. The depth of that love. Without words, and without distance, and without barriers. Without awkward silences, without... Without my own disbelief and hate clouding my judgements and making my insecurities grow.

The longer I am left alone like this, the quicker I lose myself to my own darkness... the more I believe this is exactly where I belong because I can't see the impact I truly make. I am blind to it, because of that distance, and so the idea I have touched a friend and changed their life is such a fleeting feeling that it's a gone all too soon.

I am honestly starting to believe that I am being punished... I have always thought it, but now I actually believe it. Punished for being different, for being abnormal, for being weird. For not lowering my standards and just marrying the first guy to share a bed with me... Or the last one for tha matter. Despite how utterly bad for me he was, and still is.

I see other people holding hands, and saying mushy things, and honestly enjoying their relationships and friendships... And I am completely an outsider now. I can't even fake it. I laugh or I smile... But inside there is nothing. I don't feel it any more. No joy. Just jealousy. Hate and anger. At myself. For being me. For how I am. For what I've done. For what I've become. All of it. Everything I am. It is wrong. And no one can truly love it. If they see it they will had me. And the last shred of me will die.

I can't live like this... I can't stay here feeling like this, without hating myself. But I can't change it. And I can't kill myself without everyone else hating me. I can't tell which is a worse fate any more. And I really don't know what to do either way. I'm halfway through my life, no significant other irl, no kids, no prospects of kids, no prospects of marriage, no home, no family I can relate to, no friends any more... Just me and my cats, and people who don't even truly see me.

And this is how it's always gonna be, isn't it? I will die old and alone and surrounded only by cats, whether I want it or not, because it's right where I belong. There isn't a single part of me that deserves anything close to happiness. Karma decided this long before I got here. That I would be invisible. As soon as I go offline, no one will see me at all... No one will care that I'm gone even. And the handful that do will get over it and move on in time.

I know at least one person is gonna tell me that's completely wrong, but I can't help how I feel. I know I change lives, just by being me. I -have- made it better for quite a lot of people, and as long as I'm here I'll keep doing it. But who's gonna change my life? How many people do I have to help before someone finally helps me? I need an answer to that, but if it even exists... No one else has it but that one being. And I don't know who it is... or how long I can honestly wait before it's too late.

:/
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus

[Dream] - Vacation

Had a dream last night where I was trying to go away for a holiday, just to Kangaroo Island down south of the state. Personally I've been there about a dozen times, so its no big deal for me, but I know one friend who's never been.

So in my dream myself, my brother, his fiance and their daughter, our best friend, and apparently my 'best friend' all decided to go to KI. Except I was the only one who seemed the least bit organised. Everyone else was procrastinating or having issues of some sort.

My bro and his family were organising and driving themselves, but I was in charge of organising and driving our friends. Trying to pack for myself, load my stuff in the car, get him to actually pack the right stuff and get that in the car, making sure that she was ready to go soon as we picked her up. It was such a mindfuck.

By the end of it I'd manage to move everyone about 1/3 of the way there (on a 5 hour journey to the ferry), hired a hotel room because it was too late to continue, and ended up washing 2 full sets of clothes (that would be on 'set' of cammo pants/shirt/jumper/socks, and one set of purple for anyone paying the home game). I remember pulling them off the clothes line and putting them in the clothes basket, and hauling that to the back door...

That's when someone came around the side of my house. A shorter person dressed all in black. Anyone who knows my house knows you can't get in without a key and/or a ladder, so someone just casually wandering around the back, while creepy under normal settings, is impossible at my place. BUT... That's actually where my dream ended. I never got to see who this shadowy figure was, or why he was creeping around my 'house' or why my 'house'/backyard was my hotel room or why it was located just down from work in the middle of the CBD.



Honestly, is anyone else still wondering why my business is called Weird Dreams Ink?
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus

[Rant] IDK WTF

...is wrong with me lately. I'm happy one hour and by the time the next rolls around I'm staring at my wrists wishing I hadn't promised I wouldn't slash them again. Its ridiculous and it needs to stop but I don't know how to get out of this mindset.

There is not amount of logic or rationale that will make it go away for longer than an hour at most. And I can't even seem to find a distraction that's effective in taking it away at all. Not even drawing it out of my system fixes anything, but then again I've never been that great at expressionism so I'm not really surprised. Even trying to define it or explain it with words won't do it. The right words to explain the depth of this feeling with anything resembling clarity... they just simply don't exist in the English language.

Its like... there's a tiny pinprick of a vacuum somewhere deep inside my soul, and every little piece of happiness I find is quickly sucked into it like water down a drain. No matter how much I try to resist I only seem to have a square plug for that round hole.

Most of it stems from loneliness, or a variation thereof. The fact that I sleep alone every night, the fact that I wake alone, that there is no one here with me, that there never really ever has been. That there never really ever will be. That I have so much love in my life, but not one single loved one to have and to hold. That even if I did I cannot seem to be everything to any one person, and visa versa. There are so many aspects to me that no one person can love me completely. No one person can understand me complete. No one person anywhere is like me, can ever be like me, will ever be like me.

I am so completely unique and one of a kind, that I am fundamentally alone... and will always be so.

That's enough knowledge to break my heart completely. Enough reasoning to not even want to bother any more. To want to scratch the skin for that brief moment of pain that makes me feel, before healing over and leaving a scar on the outside to reflect all the ones on the inside. Those that love me don't care how I look, but then again they only love me for the one aspect of me that they see... That they want... That they need...

Artist, Lover, Fighter, Teacher, Friend...

No one person knows, accepts, and loves every single part of me. They'll deny it, and try to tell me it's untrue. But I see it clearly, in their words and in their actions, they way the look at me and talk to me. They way they love me. I know it sounds stupid to say that I can feel love, like it has a texture or taste or smell, like I can touch it, but its true. I feel it, every time I think of them, I see -how- they love me.

And all the ways they don't. The parts of me that they overlook and ignore, because they either cannot or will not accept them. Because even when I show it openly it doesn't sink in. I know they don't mean to do it, that it just happens, that they don't notice. But I feel it, as real as everything I touch, and it hurts me. Upsets me. Makes me feel...

I want to say worthless, but I know that's a lie. It just makes me feel alone. And then I get angry at all the things that keep me here. That's the worst part. The anger. The hate. The need to just go. To leave it all behind and go away. Find somewhere I can be either completely alone, or with someone who completely understands me. And then I realize that there is no where for me. No one for me. That I am alone.

I don't know how to deal with this any more. And I'm not sure that anyone can help me either. I feel like I'm at an impasse.

Either that or I just need more sleep.
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus

[Dream] WtfLol (14/07/11)

Seriously just remembered part of my dream, and it's omghollyhellwtf the fuck level of weird, I assure you.

There's a fair bit missing now, forgot to write it down, FuckThursday has a tendency to make this happen, but I remember the 2 important bits. 1) is my niece. 2) is the CarFather. Oh yeah, you hear right, but that's the end though.

The prominent part about my niece is that, in our haste to escape (from what or why I don't remember) we left her in the other car. My mother was driving, my brother in the passenger seat, and me in the back after switching vehicles, and we left her in the broken down car. My own brother forgot his child, left her in her car seat, and tried to flee. Psychologists, enjoy your field day.

However, I screamed at my Mum to stop the car, and dashed to get her (possibly risking my own life to whatever we were running from). Turns out she was fast asleep though, and I actually woke her up, and scared her for a moment... As she told me. My niece isn't even a year old and while IRL she knows a handful of words, in my dream she actually spoke to me in coherent sentences. O_o

~several work hours later... While the bosses are away~

I have no idea what she was babbling about, only that we have a very indepth conversation about things while I was getting her out of her car seat (which, for some extra messed up reason, required a key to undo) and carried her to the other vehicle. She wasn't as scared as everyone else was thought, she was actually quite rational about the whole situation, and very insightful too.

I forget a lot inbetween, have since I woke up, but the end of my dream I remember quite clearly because it was the funniest and most vivid part of my dream.

~the next morning~

I know, I'm terrible. Its hard to find time to write blogs amongst everything, hence why nothing's been updated aside from via Formspring. I also keep getting distracted. Stupid ADHD.

Anyway, yes, second part of dream is very vivid, I remember a beach, a nice little secluded white beach at the end of the road. Kinda like Henley Beach where me and K used to drive all the time, only more private. No houses right on the foreshore, they were all a few hundred metres back kinda like at Semaphore. And it was a perfectly silent afternoon, red sunset, a few birds but nothing else.

And as I stood there taking it in, there came faint strands of music... A tune that seemed familiar and yet new at the same time. And as it grew louder I realized it was coming from behind me... getting louder and closer, I guess. I walked a few metres up the road, and there was a... parade, I guess you could call it, marching down the street.

I can't remember now exactly what it was, but I have a feeling it was furniture somehow marching down the street disney-esque (Fantasia) style, and each one carried a single car part. I remember being in shock and awe at the same time as I watched them march onto the beach. I think I tried to ask them what they were doing, but furniture doesn't talk. Well not verbally anyway, but as soon as I followed them I saw what was going on...

As the music got louder and clearer, I noticed a car floating towards the short. A little grey VW Beetle, aka Herbie, but stripped of most parts. No doors and no bonnet were the most obvious, but no seats or anything inside, and I was sure that all unnecessary parts were gone from places I couldn't see too. Though obviously enough was still present that this 'sentient' car could still move under its own willpower.

I remember watching it 'swim' towards shore, and all this furniture bowing reverently, prostrating themselves as the Beetle got closer, and the music got more vivid. I was wide eyed and slack jawed for a moment as I took it all in. And then it occurred to me what was going on... This old (grey) beetle was the "CarFather", the GodFather (mafia figure) and he was coming to see me.

I couldn't help it, as soon as I figured it out and the name CarFather went through my head, I started giggling. One of the closest pieces 'glared' at me, and that only made me wanna lol harder. I remember covering my mouth and trying my best but I couldn't hold it in. As soon as I went to fall over laughing though, my alarm went off and I was startled away before I could upset the furniture any further, or get in trouble for disrespecting the CarFather.

The fact that I can remember all this, bar the actual music/song playing, 24 hours later even without writing it down is completely remarkable. I don't like analyzing my dreams anymore, as fun as it might be to interpret this one, so I'm just going to leave this as lol-worthy and be done with it. XD
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus

When you go to the movies, what's your favorite snack?

M&M's! Always get M&Ms! And a slushie!

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

If you were a Transformer, what would you transform into?

Either a Lexus LFA.... the deluxe model.... a shiney red one. Mmmm.


Actually, probably more likely a Suzuki (Sierra) Jeep, beaten up and well used, but reliable like my parents old one used to be.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Given the option of consuming a bowl of liver flavoured ice cream twice a month for a year, and not wearing pants\shorts\skirts\et cetera for a year, which would you choose and why?

Going pantsless for a year. Hands down.Liver is disgusting. =3

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?

Astro Boy... before I realised what it was. Second was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. =3

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What are you procrastinating right now?

Answering this question. Because it's my weekend, there are a lot of things I -could- be doing, but nothing that I -should- be doing and am putting off. XD

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What's the one thing you want to do most in the world right now?

Change my job and live with someone. I'm torn between the two... my current job is sucking immensely, but more then anything I really need RL cuddles so having someone with me who can give me cuddles in an instant would be awesome. I lead a sad, sad life. :/

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Do you feel your dreams represent anything?

I believe that most times dreams represent your inner desires and conflicts often relating to one another. Whether you understand it or not the mind has higher functions that society says we shouldn't be able to access, but at night in our dreams those barriers come down and our minds work harder and faster on all our day time problems in order to solve them. The only way "it" can communicate that back to us is in vivid pictures of scenarios... dreams. Whether you choose to remember them, or believe them, is completely up to you.

That said, I also believe in dream demons who come along and just plain fuck that shit up so you wake going "unholymotherofallwhathehellwasthat?"

Or at least I do.

That's why my business is named "Weird Dreams Ink". =D

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What is your worst 'sin' i.e Gluttony, Sloth, Pride etc.?

Gluttony, Sloth, Pride, Envy, Lust, Greed.... Wrath, probably Wrath. I regularly indulge in the first six on an almost daily basis. But Wrath is the hardest one for me to get over. It takes a LOT to get me angry, and there are only a handful of occasions that I have ever been Wrathful. But if you ever cross me enough, I lose myself to Wrath.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

If you were rich, would you come visit me in London? <3

Hellz Yeah! Then you could come do my US Tour with me! <3 My treat!

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What's the biggest lie you've ever told and gotten away with?

I don't like lies... if I can't tell someone the truth then I won't tell them anything at all. And anyone that lies to me, especially to my face, is not a friend I want to know. I'd rather know the be hurt by the truth briefly, then be living happily in or with a lie.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Have you ever played the Marathon series of games, either on the old Mac systems OR using the Aelph One ports?

Erm, nope. Sorry

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Have you ever felt like you were in a box? If so, did you get out? How?

Honestly can't say that I have, though I have felt trapped more than once. Can't always say I've gotten out of it either, just that I've learnt to deal with it or work around it. I'm extremely adaptable when I have to be.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Have you ever doubted your art? If so, how did you overcome that feeling?

I do it all the time, hun. Every time I pick up a pencil I doubt that I will be able to draw what's in my head. Every time I make a line I doubt it's in the right place. Every time I think I'm done I doubt that's the end of it. It just usually doesn't stop me trying. That's all we can really do, keep on trying, keep on practicing, keep on working to get what we're after.

"The greater the artist, the greater the doubt; perfect confidence is granted to the less talented as a consolation prize"
~ Rubert Hughes, Time

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Don't you hate it when you're having a nice chat with someone over a chat client, IM or text, and you suddenly fall asleep?

Never happens. Well, rarely happens. Has happened recently, but only for half hour or so, then I tell them I passed out and I have to go sleep now. Usually I tell them that -before- it gets to that point though. Usually. >.>

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What's your favorite way to sleep, or the way you would want to sleep every night?

Snuggled! Though that hasn't happened in so long I don't really remember what it's like... only the vague knowledge that I've never slept better in my life. Usually I sleep on my stomach with my head buried in my nest of pillows, cuddling my bunneh. <3

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Would you rather get up early or sleep late?

By choice I'd be a night owl going to bed about 4AM and not getting up until after midday. I hate mornings. And early nights. :/

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What's your favorite season, and would you live all year in that season if you could?

Probably Autumn (to Amurrkanz that's "Fall"), when it's cold enough at night to snuggle, but warm enough in the day to not have to wear a jacket/gloves/scarf/beanie everywhere like a douchebag. =3 And yes, i could totally live forever in an perma-autumn. <3

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What type of messaging and chat systems do you use routinely? In addition, what contact information do you give out on a regular basis (not just openly)? (For example, I use GTalk, general XMPP, IRC, and SMS the most)

MSN and AIM are really all I use most. I have MSN, AIM, YIM, Gtalk, Raptr, Steam Chat, ICQ, Skype, Twitter (does that count?), BlackBerry Messenger (BBM) when I have my Torch not this dodgy Nokia 'thing'.... most of them you can find me by searching either Mea'eshana, Meaeshana, MeaTehKitty, or MeaKitty. I'm pretty open about all of it really. If you can find me you can chat to me.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Who's your favorite relative and why are they your favorite?

I can't answer this question, it posts to my facebook. XD

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

For the furries: What do you think furs with sonas of unusual fictional "species"? These would include the Tokusatsu baddies (Orphnochs of "Kamen Rider 555", Fangire of "Kamen Rider Kiva") and even Zoids (not kidding).

I have no idea what any of those are so I can't hold an opinion on it. However, I do believe that people with "sonas" based on video game characters/creatures are seriously warped. More so then people who mash several r/l species together.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Am I the only one who thinks the Skags from Borderlands are cute?

Nope. They're okay.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

YOU JUST WOKE UP NAKED IN BED NEXT TO ME. Using only 3 words, what would you say to me? ...Note: If you comment, you must copy and paste this as your status. So I may comment on yours as well. Be a good sport. Play along. -sent2all- xD

"what. the. fuck." Probably followed by pushing you onto the floor and stealing all the covers.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What superstitions do you have?

Superstitions are things you do because you believe bad will come of it. Breaking mirrors, letting black cats crossing your path, walking under ladders.

I don't believe the universe can do anything worse to me then I already do to myself, so I'm not superstitious at all. Just OCD. XD

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Art does NOT go on the fridge

Remember the good old days when you were little and you used your crayons to draw the -best- stick figure family you could. Remember how you'd run to Mum (or your equivalent kind of guardian) and you'd hold it out to them proudly? "Look what I did, Mummy. Do you like it? Is it pretty?"

Remember the response you'd always get.... "That's good darling. Let's put this one on the fridge". Oh how that just made your day. Pride of place on the fridge where everyone can see it. Every time she opened the fridge (and Mummy's do that a -lot-) it would make her smile.

Until it got buried under bills, and letters, and notes, and reminders. And then eventually something else needed a magnet and your picture was low on that list of priorities, so it went in a drawer and the grown up thing went on the fridge. Bet you really never thought about that part, did ya?

Now I'm the adult, and I don't have a kid, and my fridge is covered in the "do not defrost severed head inside" kinds of magnets. No artwork. My house itself actually have very few pictures at all. Except for one mounted poster and shiney picture of a dragon (both gifts), and a picture of my Brother, Sister and Niece. I'm proud of them. Prouder than I am of myself OR my art.

No, my fridge door is now the internet. Every piece of art I'm proud to show to someone else I put up on Facebook or FA. Occasionally DeviantArt, but very rarely. And even less so I put it up on my websites. I mean, every website I make comes from an artists perspective, so to me it IS art.

And it's out there for the world to see.

Anyone can log on or log in, google, browse, or otherwise just stumble upon it randomly. And I bet a lot of people do, and I just don't notice. No, all I see is the comments people leave. And these confuse me...

Or at least, leave me very divided.

See, rationally the fact that someone's taken the time and picked my works out of the billions out there to actually comment on... usually eludes me. I should be thankful, I should be proud. Yes, a comment. Someone has something to say on my heartfelt piece of work.

"That's nice :3"

Nice? NICE?! What?

"It's good. I like it."

Good? You like...?

What's nice? What's good? What do you like? I pour my heart and soul; blood, sweat, and tears into it. And that's all you have to say?

This
Fucking
Frustrates
Me.

This is me being 4 all over again. It's Mum being condescending all over again. It's like artwork on the fridge again.

Don't get me wrong, Mum probably was really proud of my effort, she probably looked at that picture a hundred times while it was on the fridge, but she was fobbing me off in that particular moment when she said it was nice. I probably didn't realize I was interrupting something important when I gave it to her, and at that moment in time I didn't care. I got my praise and went back to draw another one quite happy with that response, and Mum got rid of me and got back on with what she was doing.

But guess what, Internet; I'm not four, you're not my Mum, I'm not bringing my artwork to you, and you're NOT in the middle of something important. Quite frankly if you have time to browse around looking at random art you more then likely have more then a single moment to write a comment.

You can do better than "Its nice."

Artists aren't perfect. And we ARE people. We crave to draw our thoughts, to express what's inside our souls, and more than anything to CONNECT with someone else. To have another being look at something we've put all this effort into, and actually find it within themselves as well, to see a common thread that binds US to YOU.

And the only way we know we've achieved that is if someone TELLS us. "It's nice" does NOT convey this. It just fucking confuses us. Why is it nice? Why isn't it wonderful? Why isn't it awesome? Spectacular? OMGWTFBBQ?!

You don't even have the right to fob us off with "its nice". Where not drawing it to give you a single moment of pleasure. We're not even drawing it so you can favorite it. We KNOW that goes in your faves gallery and is only on display to all your friends until you fave another ten images and it's pushed into your archives. Into the "drawer" so the "magnet" can be used for something else.

And it's hardly ever something "more important". It's usually just another kid's picture that you like briefly in that one moment you see it.

No, artists want the comments; good or bad. What you do or don't like about it, so that the next time we draw it's something YOU will like better than the last image, and therefore will be better able to CONNECT with. And if one person can connect with it better, then so can 10 other people. Or a hundred other people. Or a thousand other people. It's not the number of faves. It's the connections we make. That's what makes us keep posting our art. That's what makes us want to keep drawing.

And that's something I've been sorely lack recently. That's the reason I quit art for nearly, and why I'm on the verge of doing again. Because no one seems to be connecting with what I'm drawing. And I don't know how to change that.

I look back on my art for as little as a year ago, and I see how much I have improved. I look back 10 years ago and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I look at it now... And all I can wonder is where I went so wrong. What the hell did I do? Or not do, as the case may be. Where have all my connections gone? Why am I only getting "it's nice" all over again?

And this is why "critique" is important, people. Because I don't know. I see what I did, how I got the final image. And -most- of the time I'm -actually- proud of what I've achieved. Until someone tells me "that's nice" and then I start to wonder why some random stranger is fobbing me off like Mum used to do. :/

If you're going to take the time to comment on our stuff, then let us know that connection is there; this is really what critique is all about. It's not just pointing out all our flaws, it's acknowledging that we did something right as well. Even if that something right is making a connection with someone who can see all the places we went wrong. It doesn't matter, connection is there, common thread is art, or subject matter, or meaning... What I put into a picture may not be what you get out of it, but if you DO get something out of it I still really want to know.

This is what I crave. This is what I want. This is what I need. It's what every artists needs. Doesn't matter if they're good or bad, young or old, experienced and had a ton of lessons, or still new to the whole thing and just experimenting. We need to know that someone out there sees what we're trying to do whether we succeeded or failed, or somewhere in between.

Next time you wanna fave a really cool piece of art, take a minute to really comment. Engage the artist discussion over the art. No art experience necessary, just an honest response; what you -really- feel and -why- you want to fave it.

You'll find that one piece of sincerity means more then all the faves the artist gets in the end.
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus

Who's the best teacher you ever had? What made them your favorite?

Oh, that would easily be Mr. Sobel. My 7/8th grade art teacher. What made him the best? =D he never -once- scribbled on my art. If he wanted to "correct" me or show me a new technique for drawing, he'd -always- draw on another piece of paper and allow me to correct my own picture after. Never had an art teacher before or since who's done it that way. I learned so much better, and so much full stop, from him.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Hit the ask followers button?

NO. D:<

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Do you like My Little Pony Friendship is Magic?

MPL SUXXORZ. D:<

Someone had to say it, and I'm proud to be that person.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What's the story behind your Formspring username?

It's my nickname of my fursona, and the name I use for everything else. The story behind my fursona name has already be asked previously.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

What's the furthest place you've ever traveled to?

Uh, Bendigo/Benalla/Shepparton in NSW and VIC-Wait, no Melbourne's furthest from me. Went there to visit my friend Duck and his cohorts before going to Shepparton for the OzChat BBQ. Was a good weekend. I miss those schmucks sometimes.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

If you had a "Boss Battle" theme, what would it be? (If possible, please give the proper title and game. e.g. " 'Chaotic Dance II' from Baten Kaitos Origins")

Oh, you mean a song from a game that would be a theme for me? I don't have one. If you mean a song that would be my theme when I was battling a boss then that's different. "Surrender" by Evanescence would be the major boss battle song, for various reasons. But I'd actually have a different song on each level. I reckon I have about 10 to 40 of them. XD

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

[Dream] Video clips in Narnia

Yeah, that was the general gist of it, especially towards the end of it which is the part most people remember best.

I'm not sure which part came first, the Narnia experience or the Video clips, but I remember there were 4 of us... Me and 3 others, and we were in some sort of band. I was the lead singer (and I was much prettier cuz we were actually a signed band and something/someone was comparing me to Amy Lee) and we were in this... fantasy setting.

Really the only part of my internal "Narnia" I can remember... Actually, I think the video clips came first. I know we had to make videos for our released singles, and the first one was obviously rather angry because we were trashing the house we were in. Only at times we were doing it faster then the song was supposed to be so that it could be slowed down for playback, which is how the rest of that scenario went. Like we were acting in invisible molasses.

It was actually pretty fun to go through, to "live out" that scenario, moving from house to house and trashing them in slo-mo. But even I realized that if all of these "videos" were the sum of our career then our fans were going to quickly grow bored with the same old same. So I told the producers to fuck off, I have a better idea.

Edit: I believe that over the course of a few "videos" things shifted from slo-mo housing to woods (where we picked up Amy Lee (Lithium)), to gardens from WonderLand (where we picked up/faced Gwen Stefani (who I don't even like! She was probably a manifestation of the Queen of Hearts/The White Witch)), to my Narnia (where Pink was probably something like Aslan, she was there when we needed her, but only briefly before she was gone again).

That's when things shifted to Narnia, only it wasn't a fake staged version, it was my mind's equivalent of the real deal. I remember the important place within my dream was... Well I really want to call it the "Fountain of Souls" all of a sudden. I don't remember much of its design, only that it's large and made of what appeared to be some sort of light yellow/cream sandstone. And the largest feature on it was the design on the side that seemed to be half clock and half decoration.

If I could be bothered I'd try to draw it (still on my 'I quit art' bender, 2 weeks and counting. If only smoking were this easy) because it's hard to describe in words: a downward arc with notches clearly indicated on it, but they were recessed into a channel through the stone, each notch/number drawn in some sort of metal that appeared rusty but was perfectly smooth. And that was inset into some sort of cog on the side of the fountain, but it was not moving and it wasn't ticking like internal parts were measuring time's passing.

The whole fountain was in the centre of a clearing, an english garden only instead of giant hedges around the edge to denote this part of the garden, it was ringed by cliffs about 3 times our height. Not high enough that we couldn't climb out, seeing as there was only one path in, but it was flat rock with no hand-holds. And something instinctively told me there was more to it than that.

If you've ever actually watched Narnia, you'll know that each child has a unique weapon: 2 swords, a bow and a dagger... Plus the horn. In my dream there was something similar. One of the boys picked up a scythe along the way, and it was instinctively his and bound to his soul. He was the only one who could touch it and wield it. And I knew that the curve of the blade would fit in the recessed area. I pointed it out to him and he climbed on the edge of the fountain to try it.

I was right, it fit perfectly and the handle of the scythe then became the lever for the device. Pulling back on it with all his strength the cog turned, or at least shifted... And a large section of the stone wall, deceptively hidden by a well blended alcove, raised up and revealed a hidden pathway. We cautiously made our way towards it, taking our time to cross the river stones between us and the alcove, but by the time we made it there the "timer" had run out and it was closed again.

So myself and the scythe's "owner" traversed back again to the fountain, and levered the cog once more so the others could get through. And I somehow knew that it would come free if he wanted it too, without interfering with the timer. We needed the weapon more than anything so I told him to bring it. It took him a few tries but he finally pulled it free, and we could see how the metal sigils made up the timer and how long exactly that we had, so we ran to catch up to the others before the door closed again.

I remember getting halfway across the stream/river, before my alarm went off. I never actually found out what lay in the chamber beyond the alcove...

...But I suppose that's a story for another time, anyway.
Sent from my BlackBerry® from Optus

Lest We Forget

Ode of Remembrance

"They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old,

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them."

~LAURENCE BINYON

Full Poem 

For those of you that don't know, today in Australia it is ANZAC day... a day of rememberance for all those souls lost because the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps (ANZACs) joined the fight in World War One (and Two). For Mother England that we still held ties to at the time, but more so for the sake of all those who have come to call this country home.

Today we remember their sacrifices that led to our freedoms. Their deaths that gave us life. Their pain and suffering that let us live in peace and harmony. All to easily such things are lost to time, we forget that the world we live in is as such because of what they did for us. It is easy to remember that Jesus gave His life for our sins and to let that rule our world, but more often we forget that our ancestors also gave their lives for us too. That there are people out there in this world today doing the same for us right now, and for our children.

At 6am and at 6pm, the rising and the going down of the sun, we remembered them. I urge everyone everywhere today to take a moment to do the same, no matter who you are or where you're from.

- Lest we forget.

The truth of the matter

I wanna say it's all your fault, but I was already cracked when you found me. And by the time you were done playing with me I was too broken for anyone else. But I put some glue and some tape over the important bits and kept trying anyway.

But these things only last so long before they wear off, and the inevitable comes to pass. I lose a piece, forced to leave it where it lands, and just keep trying to move forward. But it's getting harder to keep walking... So much left behind and nothing to replace it. Not enough gained along the way to justify another step.

So if I can't sit still, and I can't move forward... Where is there left for me to go? Where can I ever truly belong? There's no chance for happiness for this broken doll is there? I'm just going to have to sit on the side and watch the world pass by. That or just give up and crumble to dust, heart and soul.

I promised her I wouldn't though. That I wouldn't give up and would give in, and if there is only one thing I have to hold on to it's honor in Love. I love her and will not hurt her like that. But still I'll die. Eventually she will have nothing left, and that hurts so much. More than anything else.

To do this to myself is to hurt her, and I don't want to do that... But I can't not do what I'm doing. It's confused and bad and wrong... Wrong in so many ways but I can't stop it. I'm caught. Trapped. With no way out. Stuck between...stuck beneath... Stuck.

Badbadbadbad, goddess I don't deserve her. Or him. I don't deserve anyone I have. Anything I have. I never earnt it. Not one piece of it. I have never done something so selfless in my life. It's all been motivated by my own desires, my own needs... I cannot live if I cannot please another.

This I don't understand... Maybe it's from the HiveMind. Maybe a leftover fragment I could get rid of before. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it just is. I don't know any thing any more. Nothing makes sense. I just do. I just go with it. Caught to deep in the flow and I'm drowning in it now.

---

Good job, always getting yourself into shit, aren't you Mea? Caught in a trap one way or another... Waiting for them to pull you out. Well they're not here this time are they? Are They! You're stuck, and it's all your own damn fault and if you can't rescue yourself then you're screwed!

Doesn't matter, you've asked for their help anyway... More than once. And they can't help you either. They tried, but they couldn't. So now you're on your own and no one is gonna hold your hand and pull you to safety. You really didn't think this all through huuh? Thought you had it under control but you never actually did. Thought you could fix it but you just made it worse.

Now your too stubborn to let go, to change, to rescue yourself, let alone others. You should just give up now and save everyone else more pain and heart ache. That is, after all, what you're really best at. Not mending hearts, but taping them back together and breaking them yourself. That's really why you are what you are. Why we're using this analogy, isn't it?

Broken hearts, broken dolls, things unmended, forgotten, lost, tossed aside. Garbage, trash, waste.. Waste of space. Waste of life. Waste of light.

It should never have been yours to begin with. You're not only not worthy of it, but you're too pathetic to figure out how to use it properly. If you had half a handle on it you wouldn't be in this predicament to begin with. Things would be much better, and much easier, and much... much... much happier if you even half deserved what you have and what you are.

Whoever chose you was a FOOL. Bet they're regretting it now, huh? Wishing they hadn't done it. Wishing they could take it back. Wishing they could change it. If they'd forseen THIS... Thing, whatever you are now... Bet they wouldn't have done it after all.

If -you- could have truly foreseen this like you thought you could... Would you still have done it? Suffered like this. Ached like this? Hurt like this? Endured this pain? For -this-? To end up here, broken and battered and irreparable?

---

Yes. It will be worth it. In the end when there is only light left, it will be worth it. When the darkness is back in its place, it will be worth it. So hard right now, so much pain and confusion, but when it is over, it will have been worth it. I will make sure of that.
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[Vent Art] - The trouble with twins

Characters & Art © Me

...is that they won't leave you alone, even after you've given the up to a better home, and tried to move on with your life.

/endofstory

Well not really, I was hoping that in drawing them out that would be the end of things but obviously not. I'm in a worse mood now then when I started. Especially when I look at Bastian, as he was known in my younger days. He looks just like the father he was supposed to have, to the point that they would have been mistaken for brothers rather then father/son probably.

They're a mixture of Blynx (like me), Kitsune (like my girlfriend) and.... honestly who knows what, between us there's dragon, kistune, bobcat, lynx, vampire, succubus/incubus, wolf... and a bunch of minor things that have been collected throughout the eons.

This is one of those pictures that I simply let draw itself at work today and inked when I got home. I had no say in the details, I was just the medium for it's creation. And think, overall it turned out better and more accurate then I could have hoped to have drawn had I been actually concentrating on it.

Problem is they're still sitting there in the back of my head staring at me longingly.... even after a glass of alcohol that should have drowned the hate and anger. :\

Revelations in the shower

"Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your less than nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me..."

When I was... younger, I had this... idea in my head that when I was older I was going to be just like my Mum. Okay, maybe not -just- like, but... I was going to meet a boy in high school and fall madly in love with him. And when we graduated we were gonna get married and have a house, and have 2 kids; a boy and a girl. Twins. Before I understood the difficulties of a single pregnancy that was.

High school... well I was an outsider. A foreigner, in a land I didn't belong. I changed schools in year 10 and got picked on just as much as I did in my previous school. None of the boys were interested in me, even if I was interested in them... or maybe they were and I was just too shy and insecure to be able to tell if they were picking on me cuz they liked me. As boys in high school did.

My dream had to change, to grow with me. Marry my true love in high school became meeting him in University, but my insecurities followed me, and by then were too ingrained in me for me to be able to see a way to change. I was just as shy, just as nervous, and I'd lost all ability to see if a boy liked me or not. I began assuming that every remark and every glance was a statement about my physical appearance. And not a good one either.

I wanted people to like me... to see me for who and how I was. Not on the outside, but on the inside. I just... found it hard to accept that there might actually have been people who did, and I'm ashamed to admit that because I walled myself off I probably missed a fair amount of chances. My life right now could have actually been very different, and more like I'd dreamed of.

But things happen for a reason. I am not ashamed to admit it, or to talk about it now, but during my time at University I became so despondent over my shattered imaginings, that I actually tried to kill myself. Believing in my darkest moments that I would never find love, and lost to the thoughts of a world better off with out me. Once I tried to simply drown myself in a warm shallow bath, but I have this remarkable ability to hold my breath for about 15 minutes, and my ADHD gives me an attention span of about 12 minutes, meaning I got bored of the bath before I lost my breath.

The other 2 times I took an artist's scalpel to my wrists, I pressed until I hit bone, I put all my weight behind it... And it didn't even leave a mark nor draw a drop of blood. So angry at the time, believing I was being denied an option... But now I tell myself that I am ever so thankful for what my Guardian did for me. Thankful for him stopping me, doing whatever was necessary to keep me alive. To keep me here.

And in many ways I actually am. Thankful that I'm still alive because now I -do- have love in my life and can see it for what it is. If He hadn't saved me I wouldn't have been alive to meet my girlfriend, Midnight, my heart and my soul. The major reason I'm still around. I wouldn't have met KB, my Sweetie, who is far too good for the likes of me. I would never have become a furry and made such wonderful friends who care about me so deeply even though they have never met me IRL. I wouldn't be here to see my little Niece, my Bubba Rugrat Isabelle... Izzi, be born. To hold her on her first day in this world or to watch her grow up, grow into her body, develop her soul. Become her own person.

All these reasons I have to stick around, but some how so many more reasons to leave too. I wouldn't have had 3 ex-boyfriends who each, in their own way, destroyed a part of my soul. I would never have learnt who I truly am, I would have died a naive human, blessed in my ignorance. I would never have spent another 10 years living with the pain I have now.

A pain that just seems to be getting worse no matter what I seem to do. This dark loneliness that I can't ever adequately describe and which no other could ever hope to understand. Because no one else is me. No one else thinks like me, or sees like me, or believes like me. Understands like me. Knows like me.

How can anyone who can't know the things I know, ever hope to love me for exactly who and how I am? How can they ever accept me with all their heart, if they can never see things eye to eye with me? Let alone live with me... spend their life with me... raise children, have a family with me, grow old with me and still love me every single day?

The idea... of having a temporary love, of not having this whole permanent thing... A forever family... kind of scares me. The idea of being so in love with someone that I would bring a child into this world, only to grow apart with the father... to lose that love... to have it breed hate or contempt between us... and to then raise a child in that kind of broken family...

I've seen it don't too many times before and I've seen what it can do to future generations. I love my parents, the way they've raised me and my brother, the fact that so many years on they're still just as in love now as they were when they first met. Sometimes even more. I see it every time they look at each other. I really wish I had that, but at the same time I can't see it any more. Not like I used to.

Bastian and BJ, my twins... My children, my future, my life... they don't exist in my mind any more as anything other than a distant dream. Something that might have been if I were merely yet another human. If I never opened myself up to who I really am. To what I really am. To my greater part in the whole scheme of things.

But in learning the bigger picture, I realize the little dreams that I lost... It's the little things I want so desperately. To wake up and feel arms around me. Little kisses on my cheek when he comes home or leaves. A single flower left behind for me to find. A hand to stroke my forehead when I'm ill. To rub my back when I'm sore. And these two little bundles of joy created out of pure love.

---I mourn their loss on a daily basis and I don't even truly realize it. I don't let myself think about it. It's one thing to be a lover. But it's another thing entirely to be a Mother. To give life, and have unconditional love, and to bring light to it. To them.---

This is the darkness in my soul that truly brings me down. Not my own lack of love. I have plenty, even if it's not "IRL", more than most people can ever hope for. And every day I am grateful for it. Don't get me wrong. But my life and soul are incomplete, and I feel like I'm running out of time. In more ways then one.

I am nothing more than a child myself, despite my age and my wisdom and my experience. So much knowledge I want to share. To pass on. But I don't feel like I can, not under my current circumstances... And definitely not to an infant that knows no better. That's why I really need someone with me. Someone to hold my hand and give me strength. To let me know that... in the moments where I stumble and fall, and I -know- that they will happen... someone's got my back to catch me.

To remind me that I'm fucking perfect, just the way I am... and to be able to...

...to...

...to make something... someone, even more perfect... Before it's too late. Before my time is up and everything changes on me again. I want that reason to keep going, to keep moving forward, to stay alive until my purpose is done. To do more then just simply exist in this world until my time is over and I have to go Home again.

I dread not leaving behind my unseen mark... Though the logical part of me knows that I have already done so, on more lives then I can even count. I know this is the part... the though I need to be listening too. But I don't know how.
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Weird Night

To Twitter @ 6am "Filmong the police segment with Miss Anne, buffy's dream within a dream, old english garden/bridge, damn cats woke me. Back to sleeP noa."

Okay, so the general gist of my dream last night was posted at 6am when I was woken by the cats. I got about 15 mins more sleep after that before they were at it again, but that's neither here nor there.

The first part of my dream that I can remember was set in what I guess was supposed to be the "CrimeStoppers" set (for non-Aussie it's a news segment where the Police ask the public for help on recent and/or unsolved cases). There was a meeting at work, and I was made to attend, though I have no idea why. I'm just a grunt, but my boss "Miss Anne" as I called her (who hasn't been my boss for 2.5 years now) thought I was important enough to go along.

I had to sit up the back, I tried to sit in relative obscurity, because I simply felt like I did not belong there. More so after I the Commissioner of Police walked in and sat down... Right in front of me. I was on a chair against the wall, and he sat down at the table in the middle. And of course instead of all the camera's focusing on Miss Anne as she talked, the moved to face him. So I got in the background of filming. Not what I wanted so I excused myself for a "smoko" break.

Soon as I exited the room the dream changed, as dreams often do... And I found myself in Buffy's kitchen. Kinda.

Only reason I knew it was her kitchen was because it appeared like it was filmed in the same lighting (if you've seen the "night-time in Buffy's kitchen" scenes you'll know what I mean). Well that and the fact that Buffy was actually there too. In her pajamas having a glass of warm milk. I'm not sure she even knew I was there, it was almost like I was observing her dream, but it -felt- more interactive than that somehow.

All I remember is that something happened and all of a sudden there were two of them but one was a fake. Real Buffy and Fake Buffy had a fight, without breaking too many things actually. And then Real Buffy shoved Fake Buffy down the garbage disposal. I have no idea how she fit but RB threw FB in the sink and she got chewed up in a spray of blood that ruined RB's pajamas and coated the splash tiles behind the sink a lovely shade of red.

Then someone... My friend who Miss Anne seemed to morph into (they had the same feeling even though they were 2 visually different people) grabbed my arm and dragged me out the door before Buffy could wake up and trap me/lose my consciousness. Or something. Too much Inception/Jumpers.

Soon as I exited (read: got dragged forcefully out of) the room I found myself in a different world. And I say that because I felt like Gulliver in that place. 20ft tall throwing "people" into a river like stones into a creek. I don't know what the size difference was about, or whether they were real people or just statues of some sort. But I remember the throwing "someone" into the river from the side of the bridge.

I think the bridge is probably more significant then anything though; it was huge, even compared to me, grey stone decorated with plant boxes containing a complete old English flower garden. You know, the ones filled with scented bushes neatly trimmed into box shaped. Somewhere I must have shrunk back to normal size, and I -think- it was because I caught wind on the Lavender bushes (which I'm allergic to IRL) so they were kinda like my Kryptonite I guess.

I remember Fala was there for a while, leading/dragging me through the maze that was the bridge-garden. Again I think it was the same dream guide just in his form, only s/he was tugging on my hand trying to get me to hurry, and I'm trying to avoid the death-blooms. :/

I remember I eventually pulled my hand from his/her grasp just in time to avoid being pulled face-first into an immaculately square box of Lavender, and then...

The cats started yowling from somewhere in the garden. Both in my dream and IRL. My youngest, Scrubs, was having a conversation with someone else (another cat) down the back of the yard, loud enough to wake everyone. No hissing/spitting/fighting, just yowling at each other loudly at 6am. >_<;

I had to get up and yell at them, before attempting to pass out again. It only worked for about 15 mins before they were at it again. I had to get up and get breakfast for myself, and then for them, before it stopped.

That kitten is ruled by his stomach. He eats like an elephant. @_@;

Which reminds me... Was paranoid of running over the/a cat on the way outta my driveway, and had this random epiphany... How do cats know that bigger things will hurt them?

Like, my cats have never met an Elephant (as far as I'm aware) and yet I would assume that they would know not to get caught under it's feet least they be stomped on. Why? Where is it in their genetic coding that says bigger things = death?

Most experiences teach us, and some things our parents teach us, but this concept (the cat-elephant theory) is innate... What part of our DNA though it should be included so that all "small" creatures are wary around bigger ones?

There's a thought. If that can be included in our Instinct DNA what else is in there, and why do most people NOT use such common sense?
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Who's the sexiest man alive?

Ha! @kanagrooboy! <3 He has a smexay mind. =D I don't much go for looks, only for heart and soul. And he has them both in abundance. <3 Lol.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

Chocolate or Vanilla?

Don't make me choose. Chocolate Ice Cream, Vanilla Body Cream. Yumyum.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

If you had to be stuck on an island. Who would it be with and how would you have gotten there?

Midnight, my girlfriend, and because we abandoned the world to it's Zombielicious fate. >:D

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

How much sleep do you get every night?

About 6 hours or less. Bedtime at *ahem* midnight, wake up at 7. Doesn't always work like that though. And my sleeping pattern goes out the window on weekends, I often stay up from friday morning through to about 4 or 5am saturday morning, almost a full 24 hours. I know it's not good for me but my body's retarded like that.

What would you like to know, young Grasshopper?

The adventures of #fuckthursday on a wednesday

AKA: the long-winded conversation with my emotions.

AAKA: STFU Emo-Mea

-----

9.45am

Today is not going so well, which is highly unusual for a wednesday. So I suddenly feel compelled to record it.

Started when I woke up wondering why someone was calling me in the middle of the night, then realized it was my alarm but couldn't figure out why it was set, then I realized it was cuz I had to get up but I couldn't figure out why, and I couldn't find the off button for a minute either. Had to mash the touch screen on my blackberry torch for a good 30 seconds or more. It took me 2 more minutes to realize it's wednesday and another minute for it to sink in that I have to go to work. (Groan)

From there it just seems to have gone downhill. Not even coffee could wake me properly, couldn't see straight (still kinda can't), couldn't coordinate, couldn't figure out what to wear (and only got dressed when it was actually my usual time to leave, that's how out of it I was). I nearly forgot my lunch, and once I'd made it I ended up chasing the kitten around to get back the discarded meat covering (he decided he could eat it just because it smelt like meat, not a good idea Kitten, it's inedible plastic!) and I DID forget my work pass. Had to go back after I got to the main road, and locking the garage for the second time I cut open my knuckle on the rogue screw. Ffffff. >.<;

Got held up by traffic all the way to the station the second time, and of course missed my usual train, ended up having 2 smokes instead of my usual morning 1 (still trying to wake up). Had to sit on the floor of the train all the way into the City due to lack of seats, and ended up with a woman sitting next to me filling out divorce papers (so someone else is having a #fuckthursday tomorrow too, not just me). My hair is STILL a mess, thankfully with my new haircut you can't really tell, and I managed to rock up to work only "5 minutes late". It's actually really late for me, but I have flexitime so it's not so bad. Just means I won't be able to work my usual overtime hours to get my time sheet back ahead. Sigh.

Oh, and all morning I've been struggling with the English language. For example, Live. I write it as live, as in "life I live". Brain's -reading- it as live, as in "live concert". English is not my forte today, which bloody sucks because all I do all day at work is type druggie-English into word documents all day. Can't write proper English how am I supposed to translate retarded English into a readable format?

----------
4pm

Okay, so work hasn't been much better. Except for one moment joking with a co-worker about my new haircut I've pretty much been ignored. Most I've gotten is a polite hello here and there. I really should be used to it by now, but somehow it still hurts. And a single compliment about my hair I wasn't sure how to take. I don't feel like I belong here with these people, and it's like they all know it, but they don't want to admit it. I'm just here; always have been and always will be.

I mean, I hope I won't be here forever, but that's how they treat me, neither here nor there. I suppose it's partly my fault, I can't even remember half their names even though I've worked with a lot of them for the last 3 years. There are just some people you never get along with or really interact with. That's the way of work I suppose; of any large group of people.

It always comes back to the Monkey Circle.

Mine seems to be getting ever smaller, the only person I really considered my last remaining RL friend is moving soon, and I only just found out today via Facebook. Charming, no? So I'm kinda worse off for that, even though I know I probably haven't really been the best friend to her it's still depressing to me. But don't get me wrong. I AM happy for her, she's so excited and she deserves some positive in her life, and I hope this is a positive step in the right direction for her and her Mum. <3

Just makes me wonder what I've done lately to deserve some positive, if anything at all. Maybe that's why I am like I am... and where I am. Karma's a bitch and I deserve it? Iunno. I'd say yes but right now that would probably only be my Darkness talking.

Speaking of which...

"I feel like... I'm ready to give up. Not want to. Not going to. Just ready to. Like it's inevitable and I..."

I wrote "can't stop it" when I tweeted it, but that's not the right way to describe it. It's like it's inevitable and every shred of resistance I once had is just.. Gone now. I don't want to fight any more, I wanna let it take me and just... See what happens. I know it won't be pleasant for those around me, but I feel like giving it a try now, rather then waiting for later.

Indifference. That's the word. I am indifferent to the pain (real, imagined and potential), like every wall of common sense that made me fight against it has gone or disappeared. Not crumbled, not broken, just no longer there. And I am indifferent to this knowledge and the consequences that will come from it.

"There are two types of evil in this world: the evil of men who do great harm to others with no remorse... And the indifference of good men who stand idly by and let it happen without lifting a finger to stop it"

It's complete indifference that I feel... and that actually makes me sad for such a pathetic... Thought process I guess... and anger for it at the same time, yet I can't even act on that and kick myself back into my rightful place. Of all the things I prepared myself for... Hate, anger, despair, Darkness.... I did not prepare myself for utter indifference.

--------

6pm

Okay, home time, somewhat reluctantly. I'm in no rush to get there other than that my OCD demands I catch the right train and do so on time. I have no joy in returning to an empty house, other than that a large part of me wants nothing more then to curl up in bed and sleep. Preferably without dreaming. Though I do not have nightmares lately, like I some times do, I dread it more for having to wake up again tomorrow. It IS, after all, the real #fuckthursday.

I dread a repeat of the morning I've had today, the prospect of coming BACK to work, of spending another 12 hours of my life in wasted spaces doing things I neither want nor love to do. I miss being a Centrelink (Social Security) bum honestly. I feel like I wasted all those years, not because I had no job, but because I spent many of those hours whiling away the hours doing nothing productive. I don't think I -knew- how to be productive. And certainly not like I do now.

Spend the last 6 weekends in a row actually achieving things, be it Nubi's fill-in comic pages, commission art, ceramic painting... I'm DOING things. And for a change I -am- actually happy with my art; I am grasping proportion with each passing day, I have coloring under control for the moment to the point where I am content, I have outlining/inking and scanning well thought out for my needs. What I'm -not- happy is the fact that no one else seems to share my enthusiasm. I have maybe 2 commissions a month, during Sketchfest I get maybe 10 no matter how much planning or advertising I do.

It makes me feel like my art isn't as worthy as my friends make it out to be. Don't get me wrong, I love the praise they give me, but as a pessimist I start thinking that they only say these things because they feel it's necessary. That it's the thing to be said/done, not because they actually believe what they're telling me. Back to the indifference theory again.

I know that is a lie, but because of this indifference I can't feel it... I've had 3 people hug me (online anyway) and I'm all "meh" about it. I know it's because they wish they could cheer me up, and I don't begrudge them a chance to try, but it's just not working. Somehow I get the feeling it would be exactly the same if RL hugs were involved, but alas I have no chance of that happening any time soon.

I wonder if I shall be stuck like this? Feeling this way... Or more specifically NOT-feeling at all.

--------

7pm

Home now, errors and half written sentences fixed... I think. My train of thought was going to go absolutely nowhere so I'm glad I had to get off the train and drive home. Other people are home now too, not at my house (I wish) but the work day is over for a lot of people.

Oh, some utter fucktard pulled into my turning lane from the side street, where it's clearly labeled NO RIGHT TURN. Maybe my indifference was a good thing for a moment there. I didn't park my tank in the way of his rust bucket and get out to give him a lecture. Can citizens give out tickets to fuckwits? So tempted but alas, I didn't give a fuck. Just wanted him out of my lane so I could get home.

Thinking about it I feel like I'm torn. One part of me doesn't give a fuck, one part knows how I WANT to feel, and the other part knows how I SHOULD feel. But these three "parts" are completely separate. I hope I have split again. That'd just be retarded. I have enough voices in my head already.

Tl:dnr - I am indifferent and it feels wrong and right at the same time but I just don't give a fuck. Bring on bedtime, maybe I can sleep it off, and if not at least I won't be conscious for 5/6 hours.

Yes, that's how little I sleep.
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